Need advice

[Anarky]

So here is the situation. One of my best friends from College has a boyfriend that just sent me a message on myspace. Now me and this friend are very close and honestly flirty at times, that's been the dynamic of the relationship for a long time. She'll tell me that she misses me, and loves me, and thats just the way we talk. We're good friends that are close.

So the boyfriend messaged me and tells me that I need to drop it. Apparently I am the source of some upset feelings on his part and arguments.

Now yes, I can see where he is coming from, and they've been dating for awhile (2 1/2 years). Recently he did the 'breakup' thing, and got back together shortly after. (which in my mind is always signs of the end, because even the get back together ends usually quick).

So this happened earlier this month. I've never made a move on this girl, though I admit I really am into her. So he decides to send me a message tonight trying to tell me this stuff. Like I said I can see his point, and I really wouldn't appreciate it either. Yet at the same time we're being the same friends we've always been prior to her dating this guy. I see her maybe once a month or two, and talk or text maybe once every 2 weeks.

So from my standpoint if this was an issue, SHE should approach me and not him, because I am now in the awkward position of what to say and do I tell her that he's messaged me. My thoughts are he's probably doing something he shouldn't do, and should use my friend to talk and mediate the situation instead of coming right to me, without her consent (I'm assuming)

So do I message him back, or say nothing and let them work their shit out and stop doing the same routine and friendship with her I'm used to.

(And yes, flirting is probably in the wrong, but he does not own her at the same time... )

[Eric]

Well I guess it really depends on whether or not you're the "cause" of their issues.

If you're not the cause, and they're just having issues, and he's looking for a cause to the issues they're having, you wouldn't be wrong in telling her to tell him to back off.

If you ARE the cause, well that's a messy and slippery slop, from what you've described here you're just that really annoying guy friend that females tend to have they've known forever. So I'd probably go with option 1.

On that same token if you care about her and the whole filthiness of it all is bothering him, you should talk to her about that as well, you don't want to cause problems for her relationship.

[Kupek]

If she called you tomorrow and said she's done with him and she wants to be with you, what would you do? Be honest. If your answer is anything but "Sorry, but I don't feel that way about you" then you're not "good friends that are close." I have close, platonic relationships with some girls, and if they did that I'd say no. Men and women can be friends, but not if there are romantic feelings.

But I don't know if you can make a wise decision without more information. If I was in your situation, I'd talk to her about it. And if you do that, you should be honest in your feelings. If you really have feelings for this girl, and she's with someone, maybe it's better that you don't talk to her. Not for his sake, but for yours. That encourages feelings for someone you can't be with.

Then again, maybe she's been waiting for two-and-a-half years for you to make a move.

Also: a fucking MySpace message?

[Zeus]

Yeah, these kids nowadays can't do jack shit without their vanity sites.

I think a better solution is this: tell her what happened and the situation and let her decide. She should know about this particularly if you guys are close friends and, frankly, it's not a decision for that guy to make. If she decides it's better for the relationship for you guys not to be so close as it's obviously threatening to him, then she'll redefine the relationship. But it's her choice, not his or yours. Unless, of course, you want to change the dynamics of your relationship. Then it becomes your choice. But this way, you can also try to get her to admit there's more as Kup suggested. But you leave it up to her, it's her decision at the end.

Also, if this guy feels threatened for you, it ain't good for the relationship. Either he has a reason to feel insecure (their relationship ain't too strong) or he's being protective because that's how he is. Either way, that ain't healthy.

[Julius Seeker]

My opinion. You shouldn't give a crap about their relationship from his perspective, it's obviously not working out; if they were right for each other there wouldn't be the problems.

The more serious question you should be asking yourself, do you really want to get involved with her like that? If you're looking for a serious relationship, I can tell you right now that things aren't going to go the way you want them to for very long. You have to look at things from her perspective, because even though you have something on the level of friendship, you still just might be her backup plan on a romantic level; and backup plans are never permanently interesting.

In my experience, the best serious relationships are those that begin with romance, with friendship following shortly after. It starts off fresh. I haven't seen any serious relationships where the two were friends beforehand that haven't gotten very messy.

Of course, the rules change when things start off casually.

[Anarky]

If she called you tomorrow and said she's done with him and she wants to be with you, what would you do? Be honest. If your answer is anything but "Sorry, but I don't feel that way about you" then you're not "good friends that are close." I have close, platonic relationships with some girls, and if they did that I'd say no. Men and women can be friends, but not if there are romantic feelings.

Also: a fucking MySpace message?

You're right about this sir. I probably wouldn't say no, but at the same time I wouldn't swoop in right after a breakup and I don't know if we'd work in a romantic relationship, maybe when we first met, but now... who knows.

And believe me getting a Myspace message about this was bullshit... should have been facebook. In all seriousness, fuck social networking.

I think I'm going to give this a few more days and think about it and not say anything to either party. If anything I'll probably send a quick message to him saying I can see where you're coming from, but this should be a conversation I have with your girlfriend and not you.

[Blotus]

a messy and slippery slop

Gross

[Tessian]

2.5 YEARS of dating this girl and NOW he brings this up? Bullshit, he's looking for an excuse as things are failing and you're the best scapegoat. I can understand where he is coming from IF the relationship was under 4 months old. At this point he knows damn well her relationship with her friends so it's a bit late to bitch about it now and you have NOTHING to apologize for. When you are dating someone you do NOT get to fuck with their friendships, at least not behind their backs. The friends come WITH the other person, you either accept it or you confront the person about it.

Personally? I'd fucking tell the girl, forward it to her or something. She'll most likely be SUPER PISSED that he went behind her back and tried to push her friend away. Or, if you wanna be nice... simply tell him if he's got a problem with you he has to talk to her about it, or you will.

[RentCavalier]

Honestly, do what he says. Leave it alone, and wait. If she comes to you, tell her why you aren't talking to her. Leave it at that, and let it all play out on its own.

[Lox]

I actually agree with Tessian. If this had come up earlier, then that'd be different, but he has known about your friendship with this girl for 2 1/2 years and it's suddenly an issue. Going to you without her knowing shows a lack of trust on his part. He obviously doesn't think this is something he can talk to her about so he resorted to this.

I say that you tell him that he needs to talk to her about it. Let her make the decision. It should be HER choice whether she keeps your friendship, her relationship, or both. It's not something that the two of you should be deciding as if she's both of your slaves or something.

[SineSwiper]

For once, I agree with Tess, too. Something like this I would just forward along, because even though it would start shit, I'm ALWAYS more comfortable telling the truth than trying to hide it. It's better in the long run that way.