Tha Bizzible

[Nev]

My friends and I came up with the idea of rapping up the Bible while in the hotel room at E3 last night...so I present to you the first chapters of Job as presented by gizoogle.com...this is really, really good stuff...

-----------------

Job 1 (New Internatizzle Version)
New Internatizzle Version (NIV)

Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by Internatizzle Bible Society
Job 1
Prologue
1 In tha land of Uz there lived a dawg whose name was Job from tha streets of tha L-B-C. This dawg was blameless n upright; he feared God n shunned evil . Holla!. 2 He had seven sons n three brotha 3 n he owned seven thousand sheep, three thousand camels, five hundred yoke of oxen n five hundred donkeys, n had a large bitch of servants so i can get mah pimp on. He was tha greatest dawg among all tha thugz of tha East.

4 His sons used ta takes turns hold'n feasts in they homes, n they would invite they three sista ta eat n drink wit tizzle. 5 When a period of messin' had run its course, Job would send n hizzle thiznem purified. Early in tha morn'n he would sacrifice a burnt mobbin' fo` each of thiznem, mobbin' "Perhaps mah children have sinned n cursed God in they hearts." This was Job's regular custom from tha streets of tha L-B-C.
Job's First Tizzle
6 One day tha angels [a] came ta present themselves before tha LORD, n Satan also came wit T-H-to-tha-izzem. 7 The LORD said ta Satan, "Where hizzle you come from?"
Satan answered tha LORD, "From roam'n through tha earth n going bizzle n fizzay in it."

8 Then tha LORD said ta Satan, "Have you considered mah servant Job? There is no one on earth like hiznim; he is blameless n upright, a dawg who fears God n shuns evil."

9 "Does Job fizzy God fo` steppin' Satan replied. 10 "Have you not put a hedge around him n his household n everyth'n he has? You have blessed tha work of his hands, so that his flocks n herds is spread throughout tha land. 11 But stretch out yo hand n strike hatin' he hizzle n he will surely curse you ta yo face."

12 The LORD said ta Satan, "Very well, thizzen, everyth'n he has is in yo hands, but on tha dawg himself do not lay a hustla
Then Satan wizzle out from tha presence of tha LORD.

13 One day when Job's sons n daughta were feast'n n hatin' wizzy at tha oldest hustla house, 14 a messenga came ta Job n said, "izzle oxen were rhymin' n tha donkeys were graz'n nearby, 15 n tha Sabeans attacked n carried them off. They put tha servants ta tha sword, n I am tha only one who has escaped ta tell you!"

16 While he was still speak'n, nigga gangsta came n said, "The fizzy of God fizzay frizzay tha sky n burned up tha sheep n tha servants, n I am tha only one who has escaped ta tiznell you!"

17 While he was still ho-slappin' anotha messenga came n said, "The Chaldeans formed three raid'n parties n swizzay dizzle on yo camels n carried thizzem off n' shit. They put tha servants ta tha sword, n I am tha only one who has escaped ta tizzle you!"

18 While he was still gang bangin' yet hustla messenga came n said, "yo sons n playa were feast'n n drink'n wine at tha oldest brotha's house, 19 when suddenly a mighty wind swizzept in fizzle tha desert n struck tha four corna of tha house . Boom bam as I step in the jam, God damn. It collapsed on thizzem n they is dead, n I am tha only one who has escaped ta tell you!"

20 At thiznis, Job gots up n tore his robe n shaved his heezee. Then he fizzle ta tha ground in worship 21 n said:
"Naked I came F-R-to-tha-izzom mah motherfucka womb,
n naked I wizzay depart.
The LORD gave n tha LORD has taken away;
may tha nizzle of tha LORD be praised."

22 In all this, Job did not sin by charg'n God wit straight trippin'.

[Eric]

You know there is a real Genre called Christian Rap.

They avoid cursing though.

[Julius Seeker]

none.

[SineSwiper]

That's awesome. I'm sure it makes Revelation or Genesis pretty funny chapters.

Let's try Genesis 19:

Gen 19:1 And there came two angels ta Sodom at even; n Lot sat in tha gizzy of Sodom yaba daba dizzle: n Lot see'n [them] rizzle up ta meet them; n he bowed himself wit his fizzle toward tha ground;
Gen 19:2 And he said, Behold now, mah lords, tizzle in, I pray you, into yo servant's house, n tarry all night, n wizzy yo feet, n ye shizzay rise up early, n go on yo ways. And they said, Nizzy but we wizzay abide in tha street all night.
Gen 19:3 And he pressed upon thiznem greatly; n they turned in unto hizzy n entered into his house; n he made them a feast, n did bakes unleavened bread, n they did eat.
Gen 19:4 But before they lay dizzay tha men of tha city, [even] tha men of Sodom, compassed tha hizouse round, both old n young, all tha thugz from every pusha . Tru niggaz do niggaz:
Gen 19:5 And they called unto Lot, n said unto hizzay Where [are] tha men whiznich came in ta tizzle this nizzay? bring them out unto us, thiznat we may knizzow them.
Gen 19:6 And Lot wizzy out at tha door unto them, n shizzut tha door rappa hiznim,
Gen 19:7 And said, I pray you, brethren, do not so wickedly.
Gen 19:8 Behold N-to-tha-izzow, I hizzle two daughta whizzay hizzy not kniznown mizzle let me, I pray you, bring them out unto you, n do ye ta tizzy as [izzle good in yo eyes: only unto these men do saggin' fo` therefore came they unda tha shadow of mah roof.
Gen 19:9 And they said, Stand bizzay yaba daba dizzle. And they said [again], This one [fellow] came in ta sojourn, n he will needs be a judge . Subscribe nigga, get yo issue.: now wizzill we deal worse wit thee, than wit tizzle. And they pressed sore upon tha man, [even] Lot, n came near ta break tha door cuz I'm fresh out the pen.
Gen 19:10 But tha men put forth they hand, n pulled Lot into tha hizouse ta thiznem, n shiznut ta tha dizzle yaba daba dizzle.
Gen 19:11 And they smote tha men that [were] at tha dizzle of tha hizouse wit blindness, both smizzay n great: so thizzay tizzle wearied themselves ta find tha dizzle.
Gen 19:12 And tha men said unto Lot, Hast thou here any besides? son in law, n thy sizzay n thy daughta, n whatsoeva thou hizzle in tha city, bring [them] out of this place in tha mutha fuckin club:
Gen 19:13 For we wizzle destroy this place, coz tha cry of them is waxen bootylicious before tha face of tha LORD; n tha LORD hath sizzay us ta destroy it.
Gen 19:14 And Lot wizzle out, n spakes unto his sons in law, W-H-to-tha-izzich married his crazy ass nigga n said, Up, git you out of this place; fo` tha LORD wizzle destroy this city. But he seemed as one thizzay mocked unto his sons in law . Bounce wit me.
Gen 19:15 And whiznen tha morn'n arose, thizzay tha angels hastened Lot, say'n, Arise, takes thy wife, n thy two nigga whizzich is here; lest thou be consumed in tha iniquity of tha city straight from long beach nigga.
Gen 19:16 And while he lingered, tha men laid hold upon his hand, n upon tha hand of his wife, n upon tha hand of his two gangsta tha LORD being merciful unto him: n they brought him forth, n set him witout tha city . Put ya mutha fuckin choppers up if ya feel this..
Gen 19:17 And it came ta pizzass, W-H-to-tha-izzen tizzle had brought T-H-to-tha-izzem forth abroad, that he said, Escape fo` thy life; look not behind thee, neitha stay thou in all tha plain; escape ta tha mountain, lest thou be consumed . It's your homie snoop dogg from the dpg.
Gen 19:18 And Lot said unto them, Oh, not so, mah Lord:
Gen 19:19 Behold now, thy servant hizzle found grace in thy sight, n thou hizzle magnified thy mercy, which thou hast shewed unto me in sav'n mah life; n I cannot escape ta tha mountain, lest some evil takes me, n I die if you gots a paper stack:
Gen 19:20 Behold nizzay this city [is] near ta flee unto, n it [is] a shawty one: Oh, let me escape crazy ass nigga ([iznis] it not a shawty one?) n mah soul shall live.
Gen 19:21 And he said unto hizzay See, I have accepted thee concern'n this thing also, thiznat I wizzy not overthrow this city, fo` tha whizzay thou hast spoken.
Gen 19:22 Haste thee, escape thitha; fo` I cannot do any thing till tizzle be come thitha

[Shellie]

LOL!

Boom bam as I step in the jam, God damn.

[SineSwiper]

Boom bam as I step in the jam, God damn.

The actual verse:

While he was still speaking, yet another messenger came and said, "Your sons and daughters were feasting and drinking wine at the oldest brother's house, 19 when suddenly a mighty wind swept in from the desert and struck the four corners of the house. It collapsed on them and they are dead, and I am the only one who has escaped to tell you!"

I noticed that it likes to add random sentences to the content. That was put in before the last sentence above.

[Shellie]

poo.

[Julius Seeker]

Revelation was such a boring book, but not as boring as most of the rest of the new testament. The real reason that they include the old testament is because the New Testament is just too damn boring =)


Anyways, picture Jesus if he was black, had an afro, and was a pimp. Prostitutes always followed him around, he must have been a pimp! Those weren't the 12 apostles, they were his gang, and they called themselves the Jew-Tang clan!

[Nev]

The Jew-Tang Clan. That is AMAZING!!!!!!

I have half a mind to talk to the Gizoogle guys about running the whole damn thing through it and selling it.

[EsquE]

I noticed that it likes to add random sentences to the content. That was put in before the last sentence above.

Yeah. The Catholic Church has the same problem...

[SineSwiper]

Yeah. The Catholic Church has the same problem...

Oh, SNAP!