The Shrine

So I have had a great weekend so far. Enjoyed having Saturday off to get my engagement pictures taken, spent a lot of time with my fiance and her family, and just generally had a relaxed weekend. I am working at what is probally the most fun job I have ever had, working for a Halloween store, and I have a gameplan already in place for when that ends in the not so distant future. I am back to school and getting my education. Overall life is going very very well right now.

So why am I laying here, trying to sleep, trapped in a major depression right now.

Usually when I get down I just have to look back and see how much I have moved forward in my life over these years to snap out of it. Tonight it is something more, and I dont understand what. I just cant put my finger on it and figure it out. For example, two good friends of mine just had their first child together, Conrad Malachi Beach, born yesterday, two months premature. I read in their livejournal that they would like their friends to write letters to the child so that he can know what we all were thinking when he was born. However as I am lying here thinking about this letter I am drafting lines such as "I am writing this to you as my chapter in your parrents lives is comming to an end"

I am thinking of other friends of mine and thinking the exact same thought. Some of these friends of mine are long time friends of 10 years or more. Part of this may be because I am ultimatly going to be leaving St. louis for nearby Warrenton (about 1 hour west) shortly after the wedding, but I think its more than that. And of course the fact that I cant put my finger on it is making me feel more and more depressed. I more or less started writing this to everyone here in the hopes that in writing it I will snap out of whatever is going through my head. Needless to say it isnt working.

I just dont get it. I keep steadly moving forward, becoming more responsible, completing my education, getting ready to get married, securing my finances, and strengthening my ever important friendships so that when I live further away that they will still survive, and here I am thinking thoughts just the opposite.

Anyway I just needed to takl to myself for a while I guess. I am gonna try to go back to sleep, its almost 1 and I have to be at work at 10:30, and I am in Warrenton so its a 1 hour drive to work. Ja ne.

Is this true depression or is it melancholy for old times and a little fear for the changes in your life? That's kind of what it seems like from where I'm typing.

You know man, here's what I think it is. Cold feet. Not cold feet because of the wedding, but you are actually visualizing the changes within yourself at this moment and that's kind of freaking you out a bit. Believe me, I've been there and I know you have also in other points in your life. I'm just tryin to remind you of the fact that what's going on is probably pretty normal.

You've made, let's just say, little steps towards forward progress in life, the move and the wedding will be larger steps that you're undertaking towards your goals. You're a bit anxious because your goals you have in your mind are now within reach and you are probably asking yourself "what's next?". In my opinion it is okay to have certain second thoughts but do not dwell on them so much as to stress yourself out. You are probaly looking too far forward as to trying to figure out what comes next after marriage and children. There is probably a lot of things you will find between that. I'm not sure if you are planning on it but parenthood and the unconditional love you will show for your own child and the experience of having that little one grow up under your supervision will come after you have settled into married life. If you can, think of the wonderful times you will have after the wedding, such as traveling together with one another, knowing you have a trusting partner who has committed to you as you have to them, and possibly, like your friends, enjoying the birth of your own child as mentioned before.


There is plenty out there after marriage I'm almost sure of it. I'm no where near being married to someone but I have to say that I have a belife that there is much more to life after these few days that you may have just thought ahead about. I guess what I have to say is that it's all part of growing up. You'll figure it all out for yourself but I hope this points you in the proper direction and re-assures you that these feelings you are having are probably pretty normal to have. I'm battling a lot of stress right now myself and have not been able to sleep very much without interruption but I understand where you are coming from. So in the mean time, close your eyes, think positive, and know that the changes you are going through are pretty normal and that life will play it's hand out and it sounds like you are playing your cards right to win.

This is jsut my observation based on what you've posted. I hope you will take this just as my opinion and constructive criticism and not an attack on you or your fiancee. I wish nothing but the best for you and for her.

It might, rather than be the fear of change, the knowledge that everything is going to be just fine, and with no surprises, that is causing the depression.

This might be described as pre-wedding blues. For some reason, a lot of us grow up thinking we have to do everything in life we want to do before we get married 'cause we can't do anything like that after we're hitched; like we HAVE to lose a large chunk of our lives when we get married. THat's simply a state of mind IMO. Really, the only difference in my life now from before I was married is the fact that I'm not flirty too much with other women; just very light, friendly flirting that my wife not only doesn't mind but finds amusing.

Your life will only change as much as you want it to after you get married. Even if you have kids, that doesn't mean that you can have your friends over regularly to hang out. In fact, if they're your good friends, they should be involved with the child's life. I've had my niece over a number of times on the weekend (we had to take care of her for a long stretch) and she loves the guys. She's asleep by 8-9pm so really, it's very little effect on our hanging out / drinking / poker or video game playing / movie watching that we may do in the house. Besides, you can always alternate with your future wife and ensure that both of you can still enjoy what you love to do. You're only going to have to be better at planning these things and they can't as much as before, but you don't have to stop doing these things.

And you're already used to not going after other women, so it's not that bad :-)

Thanks all, your insight has been helpful, and after another good day I am not feeling as down. I really dont know what comes over me, but it just hits me from time to time, and I feel so lost when it does. Thanks for listening.

M'k'n'zy wrote:Thanks all, your insight has been helpful, and after another good day I am not feeling as down. I really dont know what comes over me, but it just hits me from time to time, and I feel so lost when it does. Thanks for listening.

I can relate....

Anarky wrote:

M'k'n'zy wrote:Thanks all, your insight has been helpful, and after another good day I am not feeling as down. I really dont know what comes over me, but it just hits me from time to time, and I feel so lost when it does. Thanks for listening.

I can relate....

Many people can relate to situations like this. I went through a lot of this after my 3rd year of University.

Anarky wrote:

M'k'n'zy wrote:Thanks all, your insight has been helpful, and after another good day I am not feeling as down. I really dont know what comes over me, but it just hits me from time to time, and I feel so lost when it does. Thanks for listening.

I can relate....

Many people can relate to situations like this. I went through something similar after my 3rd year of University.

Again, friends are overrated. I think I already posted on the subject earlier.

So I've decided to hi-jack this thread with my own current issue. Some background:

I dated a girl for about 6 months during Winter to Spring quarter. I ended up breaking up with her. The reasoning on my part at the time was how it felt when I was trying to get closer to her and sometimes i wanted to pull away, more than likely coming off of the EPIC-ly bad relationship I had suffered the previous year. So I strung this girl a long in all honesty and tried to not get to close, even though SHE WAS THE BEST GIRL I HAD EVER DATED... She honestly got me for being me, and that had not happened ever. I honestly blame World of Warcraft for a lot of the downfalls of this past relationship, I raided some nights rather then hang out with her, even though she was okay with it, in reality I realize how retarded it was.

So after an awkward summer, and me not realizing how much damage I had probably done we start to talk again. We hang out, and she is trying to figure out what is going on, and I try to figure out what is going on as well. She gets frustrated at me and tells me the ball is in my court for a decision. I think about it for a day or 2 and I realize I want her to be my girlfriend once again, and I realize how much I really do enjoy her and want to get closer. I tell her this, and things seem to be going okay, but she is still thinking, so nothing was official. This lasts for about 2 weeks until we come to Saturday night. At this point she tells me she's thought about it and she cannot date me right now. It literally crushes me because I finally have told her all of my feelings from the past and what I had felt lately. It allowed myself to be vulnerable and it bit me in the ass. She tells me that part of the reasoning has to do with trust, and her not being able to do so right now, It makes sense that I have to regain it after I broke her heart. But its very much one of those the shoe is on the other foot type deals right now. Now I’m the one who is slightly bitter and depressed. We are still friends, but now it’s that awkward time apart to adjust. She did not say weather there is a chance of getting back together, she even said she does not know the future. I don't want to give up, and I know at the same time having that mentality with break this up worse. Like holding something to tight and it begins to crack. So I guess for now I have to go back to being a good friend, and hope she begins to trust me again and give me a chance. This is so damn frustrating, because this is on top of me being fed up with my school's graphic design department and other personal grievances against my school. I hate the fact I let something so good slip between my fingers because I was an idiot. I’m still very much a young man with a long life ahead, but I have serious doubts about finding a girl of this caliber anytime soon.

Anarky wrote:So I've decided to hi-jack this thread with my own current issue. Some background:

I dated a girl for about 6 months during Winter to Spring quarter. I ended up breaking up with her. The reasoning on my part at the time was how it felt when I was trying to get closer to her and sometimes i wanted to pull away, more than likely coming off of the EPIC-ly bad relationship I had suffered the previous year. So I strung this girl a long in all honesty and tried to not get to close, even though SHE WAS THE BEST GIRL I HAD EVER DATED... She honestly got me for being me, and that had not happened ever. I honestly blame World of Warcraft for a lot of the downfalls of this past relationship, I raided some nights rather then hang out with her, even though she was okay with it, in reality I realize how retarded it was.

So after an awkward summer, and me not realizing how much damage I had probably done we start to talk again. We hang out, and she is trying to figure out what is going on, and I try to figure out what is going on as well. She gets frustrated at me and tells me the ball is in my court for a decision. I think about it for a day or 2 and I realize I want her to be my girlfriend once again, and I realize how much I really do enjoy her and want to get closer. I tell her this, and things seem to be going okay, but she is still thinking, so nothing was official. This lasts for about 2 weeks until we come to Saturday night. At this point she tells me she's thought about it and she cannot date me right now. It literally crushes me because I finally have told her all of my feelings from the past and what I had felt lately. It allowed myself to be vulnerable and it bit me in the ass. She tells me that part of the reasoning has to do with trust, and her not being able to do so right now, It makes sense that I have to regain it after I broke her heart. But its very much one of those the shoe is on the other foot type deals right now. Now I’m the one who is slightly bitter and depressed. We are still friends, but now it’s that awkward time apart to adjust. She did not say weather there is a chance of getting back together, she even said she does not know the future. I don't want to give up, and I know at the same time having that mentality with break this up worse. Like holding something to tight and it begins to crack. So I guess for now I have to go back to being a good friend, and hope she begins to trust me again and give me a chance. This is so damn frustrating, because this is on top of me being fed up with my school's graphic design department and other personal grievances against my school. I hate the fact I let something so good slip between my fingers because I was an idiot. I’m still very much a young man with a long life ahead, but I have serious doubts about finding a girl of this caliber anytime soon.

You're gonna hate me for this but suck it up man. Count your blessings and thank your lucky stars that the two of you didn't date any further because it will be that much harder to get back to the game (not WoW but dating). The one thing you can't change is a womans mind, no matter how much you put into giving her what she wants.

well Im gonna sell the WoW account im pretty sure, MMOs will never be worthwhile to me again, fuck that shit.

WoW is a very vey distant third behind friends and girlfriend for me. You can still play those games, but you can't be a 1337 kiddie powergamer if you want your social life to advance at a healthy rate.

Just do what I did: fuck the raids, go PvP. At least you can do that on your own time and don't have to schedule shit and get 40 people together to do it :p

I have to agree with Barret, just suck it up and be happy that she's still talking to you. Now, the ball's in her court, you can't do anything anymore. If you enjoy her as a friend, you'll have to just push your feelings back and hang out with her. Eventually, you won't have to anymore.

If you're only hanging out with her hoping to get back together with her, don't waste your time. It's purely up to her and hanging out only waiting for one thing to happen will be this cloud over the two of you forever. Get it out of your mind unless she says "I want to be with you", otherwise it's always going to be uncomfortable between you guys. You can't just be friends 'cause you're hoping for something more and you can't be together 'cause she hasn't made up her mind. It just doesn't work.

Thats pretty manipulative if you ask me. She says that the ball is in your court and withing TWO DAYS you pour your heart out and then she essentially says, "Nah, just kidding, i dont want to be together." I mean wtf?

Yeah, sounds like she has the power now instead of you when it should be the other way around. By spilling your guts to her, you basically said "I want you a lot" and that made her disinterested (whether she says it's due to trust issues or whatever).

All you can really do is move on, find another girl, live your life, etc. If she's smart, she'll come back around. If not, then her loss.

Despite what people are telling you, girls are NOT more important than videogames, except at night and when you're horny =)

Flip wrote:Thats pretty manipulative if you ask me. She says that the ball is in your court and withing TWO DAYS you pour your heart out and then she essentially says, "Nah, just kidding, i dont want to be together." I mean wtf?

Not really when I broke her heart in the 1st place, and the fact I probably still affect her, and I think she needs time to see if I am sincere or not.

Lox wrote:Yeah, sounds like she has the power now instead of you when it should be the other way around. By spilling your guts to her, you basically said "I want you a lot" and that made her disinterested (whether she says it's due to trust issues or whatever).

All you can really do is move on, find another girl, live your life, etc. If she's smart, she'll come back around. If not, then her loss.

Lox wins the prize! That's exactly it.

For the record Lox, I never thought you were nearly as dumb as Black Lotus said you were. It's almost been my opinion that while you were pretty stupid, it was almost completely covered by your blatent homosexuality.

Anarky wrote:

Flip wrote:Thats pretty manipulative if you ask me. She says that the ball is in your court and withing TWO DAYS you pour your heart out and then she essentially says, "Nah, just kidding, i dont want to be together." I mean wtf?

Not really when I broke her heart in the 1st place, and the fact I probably still affect her, and I think she needs time to see if I am sincere or not.

I doubt time will heal this. Women don't forget about men who have in someway manipulated them. I wouldn't count on her making a comeback into your love life, and if she does, I doubt it will be that great. I'm sorry for being a harsh bastard but I'm a bit jaded at the moment.

Barret wrote:

Anarky wrote:

Flip wrote:Thats pretty manipulative if you ask me. She says that the ball is in your court and withing TWO DAYS you pour your heart out and then she essentially says, "Nah, just kidding, i dont want to be together." I mean wtf?

Not really when I broke her heart in the 1st place, and the fact I probably still affect her, and I think she needs time to see if I am sincere or not.

I doubt time will heal this. Women don't forget about men who have in someway manipulated them. I wouldn't count on her making a comeback into your love life, and if she does, I doubt it will be that great. I'm sorry for being a harsh bastard but I'm a bit jaded at the moment.

If you listen to Eddie (Raw), that would depend on the type of orgasm you gave her :-)

Really, it always depends in the end on what's going on in the woman's mind. As men, we will never have any idea what the heck is going on in there.

Ishamael wrote:

Lox wrote:Yeah, sounds like she has the power now instead of you when it should be the other way around. By spilling your guts to her, you basically said "I want you a lot" and that made her disinterested (whether she says it's due to trust issues or whatever).

All you can really do is move on, find another girl, live your life, etc. If she's smart, she'll come back around. If not, then her loss.

Lox wins the prize! That's exactly it.

For the record Lox, I never thought you were nearly as dumb as Black Lotus said you were. It's almost been my opinion that while you were pretty stupid, it was almost completely covered by your blatent homosexuality.

Damn, that quite was the insulting from so many angles packed into a simple two sentence post.

Flip wrote:Damn, that quite was the insulting from so many angles packed into a simple two sentence post.

Ish is skilled at hiding his own hyper-homosexual tendencies and lack of self respect behind a wall of insulting others. We all just except it and try not to judge him too harshly for his loserness.

I don't even remember when the Ish bashing began. Did he doe something to deserve it, or is it just because Ish is Ish?

I think it predates my arrival, which was about seven years ago.

G-man's fault.

I think it did start with G-Man. I think he deserves it, but that's just my opinion.

He gives it, he takes it. It's all good.

I wonder who has G-man locked up in there closet now. For that matter, where has Crono gone off to?........

Bitch, now you have to beg for it back

The Seeker wrote:I don't even remember when the Ish bashing began. Did he doe something to deserve it, or is it just because Ish is Ish?

Yes I think Gman was the first. We carried over our great hate for each other from another forum (old sega saturn forum...damn that was a long time ago) and now my hate has spread to each and every peon here, including you Seeker-who-is-not-Seeker-but-really-Oracle. Isn't it beautiful?

So... I've been trying to let things become normal again, but in all seriousness I'm going through the same patterns I've been going through with girls since I started dating them.

After this breakup period, I go through these motions of wondering why they are not with me, and what is wrong with me. Which tends to make the person think im crazy , which I may be. I know the right thing to do is to focus on my good qualities and not go through this shame spirial, but I still do anyway. I know I could probably ask out a lot of girls, and do the rebound thing, but I tend to focus on wondering what the girl is doing.

Essentially I know I should not be doing a lot of the things I'm doing, but I still do them. So I think my cooping skills suck balls, and need to figure out a way to fix this. Because when my mind wanders, it drives me nuts.

I've been working out, I've been trying to keep busy and go out with friends. I want to go out on some dates, but I don't have any friends I'm interested in, or any girls in my classes either. Doesn't help I'm so busy with work and school....

Recently I had a discussion with her that went down the path of asking why are you not interested, blah blah blah. Basically making her walk away mad, and we've not talked in a week. I don't plan on talking to her for awhile about it or apologizing, just not touching it seems like the best idea.

Don't plan on talking to her, or attempting to talk to her at all. She is basically like a drug. The best cure is to quit cold turkey.

Ish-bashing has become one of the most cherished aspects of this place. Even I get in on it now.

Well, except for the kind of "bashing" that takes place between pantsless Ish and Blotus in closets, away from the prying, judgemental eyes of the world, cruelly opposed to the beautiful homosexual love that can occur between a man and a...well, whatever Ish is. That I'm just not cool with.

Gotta be hard, huh guys? So much judgement in the world. Why, if it weren't for Lox providing kindness and compassion in exchange for the right to tape the proceedings, I bet you two would have given up long ago...