The Shrine

My girlfriend and I just broke things off after 9 months... 6 of which have been living together. I'm still in shock as I had to force an answer out of her an hour ago... things haven't been going well for the past 3 weeks but every time I talked to her about it she'd get horribly pissed off and refuse to give an answer ("I don't know"). We'd been doing well the past week but she still wouldn't come near me except to sleep in my bed (which she did up until tonight) and treat me like shit at times. I sat her down again tonight to find out wtf was going on... and she just tells me there's nothing to talk about; this isn't a relationship. Apparently she came to this conclusion weeks ago and wasn't going to tell me. Huge fight ensues, still won't even tell me Why things fell apart.

There's so much to process now... so much to decide. I helped her get on her feet after her mom, who she'd been renting from, decided to move to Florida and gave her a month to move out. I had no doubts at the time to take the risk and get an apartment with her. Since then she was able to get a license, a car, and a decent job. I helped her, supported her, spent way more on things than I should have, and this is how she thanks me... without even having the decency to tell me she's done.

I was an amazing boyfriend... and up until recently she was a great girlfriend. I'm just... in shock. You don't expect to be rewarded this way after all that we've done and I've done for her.

Rant over, I just had to vent in forum form...

That sucks, man.

I know the feeling as I've been there (and I bet most of us have been there here at the Shrine).

Try not to be hard on yourself or think about it in terms of all that you did for her and were not rewarded for. In the end, if things weren't right, it's better this way. You live, you learn, and you grow. You'll obviously meet someone else and this will feel like another life.

Sorry it went this way. Feel free to vent more.

Sorry dude, that really sucks.

I'm in your corner Tess, so when I say "Fuck that bitch", know I'm saying it cause you're a buddy and I don't like to see buddies get screwed over.

So fuck that bitch.

You'll be ok, if you know you're a good dude, and you know you're a good man, then you'll find somebody who's deserving of you, believe it!(Non-Naruto reference).

Congratulations, welcome back to the free world =)

Relationships are like the moon, they can grow into something nice, but there will always be a new one the next month =)

Now that it's over and free, why linger on wanting an explanation and stuff? Why bother with drama? Fuck that girl and her mother fucking mama. Yeah you invested, and I am sure you got the pussy; no use complaining about it now, we all do stupid things with money. Though, think about it this way, you only fucked one girl in the last 9 months!!!!!

Just think about it this way, you're going to be doing someone new now after ALL that time, aren't you excited? There are few pleasures in the world better than new pussy.

No reason to not focus on the bright side of things. Otherwise you're just going to be miserable.

That's no moon.

Oh, and bros before hoes.

SineSwiper wrote:bros before hoes.

Speak for yourself!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3zvTRQr7ns8

Hey, now you can get Guitar Hero!

It bites when you put so much time, effort, and money into something such as a relationship and it goes unappreciated.

Black Lotus wrote:Hey, now you can get Guitar Hero!

It bites when you put so much time, effort, and money into something such as a relationship and it goes unappreciated.

Appreciation isn't a common female trait. Just something you shouldn't expect over a long period of time. Though women can be highly appreciative in the short term =)

Thanks for the words guys,

I'm not even upset that it's over... I could see it coming but there were certain things that still gave me hope. Right now I'm only angry that she didn't even think I deserved to be let down easy, or at least TOLD she was done. You know what shocked me the most? After I wrote this original post she went to bed... my bed. What the FUCK do you have to be smoking to think that after you end a relationship with someone in the most horribly planned way possible it's ok to still sleep in their bed?

Now I have to figure out how we're going to continue living together and what changes. There will be more bills for her to pay and less time to do so, that's for sure. Obviously some other normal roommate ground rules will have to be established. She won't like the changes, her money's still tight as it is... but I don't have to care anymore. She's fucking lucky I'm being this nice... if I wanted to I could easily put her on the streets; I can either move out, continue to pay my half of the rent but see her try to pay all the utilities... or I could just stop paying everything. My credit rating could take the hit better than hers.

Too bad I'm not that vindictive... if she had told me this sooner and up front there probably wouldn't have been much anger or hurt. I always knew in the back of my head this wouldn't last forever... but I didn't expect her to turn into a total bitch to end it, or even this soon.

End the roommate relationship as soon as possible. Situations like these never end up with a stable financial flow (ie: never paying bills when she needs to, etc.). She's the one who broke up with you, so she should be the one kicked to the curb.

SineSwiper wrote:End the roommate relationship as soon as possible.

Yep. There's potential for a lot of awful messiness here. Set a date on either getting out of your place, or getting her out of it, as soon as you can, and stick to it. Things can and will only get worse from here.

both our names are on the lease... I didn't think there was any easy way to get out of it without finding someone to replace your part.

Figure out a way. Living with an ex doesn't work. I've seen it several times before. The relationship isn't really over until someone moves out.

It sucks, man. I'm sorry you have to deal with this crap.

Women only respect the belt!



...sorry, Shellie!

Tessian wrote:both our names are on the lease... I didn't think there was any easy way to get out of it without finding someone to replace your part.

How much time is left on the lease?

Black Lotus wrote:Women only respect the belt!



...sorry, Shellie!

What's strong enough for a man but made for a woman?


The back of my hand!


(Also is sorry Shellie!)

Andrew, Killer Bee wrote:

Tessian wrote:both our names are on the lease... I didn't think there was any easy way to get out of it without finding someone to replace your part.

How much time is left on the lease?

It's up in May...

If she moved out, would it be difficult to find someone to sub-lease? Probably not, but you may have to pick up the entire rent for a month or so while you looked. I would go that route.

Wow...

The ironic thing is, *I* just got into what seems to potentially be my first major relationship (yay college).

Actually, it's a relationship with a lot of "firsts", if you know what I mean...

At anyrate, being single after nine months might be a refreshing change. While I generally agree with the whole 'Kick her ass out' idea going around, having her around may give you a chance to try and figure out WHY she wanted a split in the first place. There may be more sympathetic reasoning behind it than it seems.

RentCavalier wrote: Actually, it's a relationship with a lot of "firsts", if you know what I mean...

First buttsechs? Congrats, my man, congrats.

Dutch wrote:

Black Lotus wrote:Women only respect the belt!



...sorry, Shellie!

What's strong enough for a man but made for a woman?


The back of my hand!


(Also is sorry Shellie!)

LOL I'm not easily offended.

RentCavalier wrote:Wow...

The ironic thing is, *I* just got into what seems to potentially be my first major relationship (yay college).

Actually, it's a relationship with a lot of "firsts", if you know what I mean...

At anyrate, being single after nine months might be a refreshing change. While I generally agree with the whole 'Kick her ass out' idea going around, having her around may give you a chance to try and figure out WHY she wanted a split in the first place. There may be more sympathetic reasoning behind it than it seems.

I'm generally curious as to why... but I know no matter her reason (if she has one) it won't be acceptable. She actually made this easier on me because there's absolutely no way I could have prevented or stopped this... she just three weeks ago decided it was over and turned into a bitch and didn't tell me.

I need to keep her around for a few reasons... one I can't live alone anymore-- I did in college for 2 years and can't see how anymore. Two, she owes me $860 for a piece of furniture I bought because she said she'd pay me back... and also she can't afford to move out. I spent too much money up front on this place TO move out either.

Today she's being very nice to me, I don't get it. We talked and laughed today since I got home an hour ago, and she's making dinner for us now too. Maybe sleeping in the living room was a wake up call to her? Either way I gotta tell her tonight where I stand and how I feel, and go over the bills now expected. Later we can discuss boundaries. I see this easily able to work short term, but long term is shaky.

As for sub-leasing, I could if I really tried most likely... but she won't move out because as I said-- can't afford to. She wouldn't even be able to pay for the Uhaul to take what shit she has out of here.

Tessian wrote:I'm generally curious as to why... but I know no matter her reason (if she has one) it won't be acceptable. She actually made this easier on me because there's absolutely no way I could have prevented or stopped this... she just three weeks ago decided it was over and turned into a bitch and didn't tell me.

I need to keep her around for a few reasons... one I can't live alone anymore-- I did in college for 2 years and can't see how anymore. Two, she owes me $860 for a piece of furniture I bought because she said she'd pay me back... and also she can't afford to move out. I spent too much money up front on this place TO move out either.

Today she's being very nice to me, I don't get it. We talked and laughed today since I got home an hour ago, and she's making dinner for us now too. Maybe sleeping in the living room was a wake up call to her? Either way I gotta tell her tonight where I stand and how I feel, and go over the bills now expected. Later we can discuss boundaries. I see this easily able to work short term, but long term is shaky.

As for sub-leasing, I could if I really tried most likely... but she won't move out because as I said-- can't afford to. She wouldn't even be able to pay for the Uhaul to take what shit she has out of here.

This all pretty much sounds like it'll end up on Judge Judy. I'll make your appearence on the show easier - get it all in writing (owed loans, bill splits, notice and acceptence if one of you moves out, etc.).

I just love watching her yell.

New problem.... what do you do when you live with your ex and her life is falling apart so fast (nothing I did) that you have to wonder if she'll be alive when you get home each night?

Thanking Allah (or whoever) that you aren't hooked up with this chick any more.

Seriously, if her life is this fucked up when she's single, she's only going to drag you down with her someday down the line if she was your girlfriend/wife.

Tessian wrote:New problem.... what do you do when you live with your ex and her life is falling apart so fast (nothing I did) that you have to wonder if she'll be alive when you get home each night?

If a Nuclear bomb goes off in the distance and you are already driving away from it, do you speed up or continue going the speed limit? Chances are if you speed up you might just end up getting out alive yourself but if you stay slow and steady, you're definitely going to be pissing in the middle of the night without needing a light on.

You need to end any emotional attachment and let her live her life and let it fall apart so she can pick up the pieces on her own. It seems like she seems kind of like the type of person who will drain you by leeching off of your resources (emotional, financial) as she has probably never had to sustain herself on her own before. She will do this to whomever else she meets. It sounds like she knows no boundaries and if her mom kicked her to the curb that should have been a huge warning sign as well. Hindsight is always 20/20 though and I'm not going to say that you are alone in falling for the damsel in distress.

I'm going to say that my ex demonstrated similar behavior. My guess is that by you (and I) being amazing boyfriends it left them with little challenge in their lives. Women need to argue, as sick as that sounds, they get off on it. I was told I didn't inspire her even though I found a great job right out of college, was making decent money with a great opportunity while balancing seeing her in the middle of the week sometimes and most weekends. Whatever the reason is, know that you will never know it because I don't think she even knows why she's decided to end the relationship.

My opinion, step on the gas and GET TO THE CHOPPA!

If you want, be her friend, but be nothing more. Quite honestly, I hate being friends because of the extra emotional baggage so I don't speak, call, e-mail or go through a 3rd party with any of my ex's as I've made it clear to them before hand that I won't be calling if/when we do/did break up.

Hope that helps.

That's all great Barret, and I appreciate it-- but what do you do when the nuclear bomb is on the lease and can't afford to move out? I can't walk away when she's living with me... nor can I stand to just watch her fall apart after I spent so much time, energy, and money to give her the chance to have a better life. I just can't turn my back when she needs someone most... but I'm definitely not putting in the effort I would have previously.

This does not mean I'm trying to move on in other ways-- I may be switching jobs and I've been talking to someone new. It's just all a very odd situation, but I don't regret doing what put me here. I don't think I ever would have been able to forgive myself if 6 months ago I just shrugged at her and ended the relationship. And at least this way I have no blame or hurt myself because it ended-- I know I did everything I could and in the end she just decided to not even try.

Well, she is a human being afterall, one in need. One of the largest problems in much of North America today is that people don't care enough about other people. community has really broken down, people have a lot few others to depend on than they did a couple generations ago, and are much less likely to help others themselves.

Yeah Tess, you'll be making a sacrifice, and you may not get anything out of it personally, but you'll be helping another person out. What sort of things is she so worried about right now? Is it the type of stuff she can take a vacation from?

Either way, she may not be a good person, I don't know. Though that doesn't necessarilly warrant turning your back on her either.

Ok now I'm scared... because I agree with what Seeker said... I'm expecting my shower to start spouting out blood later.

What you said, though, is kinda what I was already saying-- no matter how much she hurt me, and how poorly she treated the situation... I can't turn away from her. Most of my other friends wanted to do everything from bankrupt her to assault... but I've been calm about the whole thing; mainly because I know I did everything I could have and she's the one who lost a good thing. From a purely selfish standpoint I can not allow her to destroy the life I worked so hard to give her the chance to have. I'm just too good a person to let her self destruct even though I have every right to.

Dutch wrote:Well, she is a human being after all, one in need. One of the largest problems in much of North America today is that people don't care enough about other people. community has really broken down, people have a lot few others to depend on than they did a couple generations ago, and are much less likely to help others themselves.

People don't care about other people because more often than not, "no good deed goes unpunished". It's like the begger that asks for money for food, to which you give him food, and he throws it on the ground. It's wasted generosity. If there's anything that is a problem in North America (or the world), wasted generosity would be it.

This is an example of that. I've been with too many people who are leeches, feeding on the generosity of others and giving little to nothing in return. You can only go so far into trying to help or save a person before you give it up as a lost cause. Continuing the behavior and continuing to try to save the person is the reason why so many wife beaters get away with it, why so many alcoholics get away with it, why so many cheaters get away with it.

Tessian, if she can't leave the place, and you're not committed to it (ie: rental apt/house), just give her the place and move out. Hell, get a roommate for her or something. There's nothing worse than breaking up with a girl, and still being forced to live in the same place.

SineSwiper wrote: People don't care about other people because more often than not, "no good deed goes unpunished". It's like the begger that asks for money for food, to which you give him food, and he throws it on the ground. It's wasted generosity. If there's anything that is a problem in North America (or the world), wasted generosity would be it.

There's a bit of a misinterpretation here. The beggar doesn't want food, he wants crack. He is begging for money so he can buy that crack. There are plenty of places for him to get food already.

SineSwiper wrote:This is an example of that. I've been with too many people who are leeches, feeding on the generosity of others and giving little to nothing in return. You can only go so far into trying to help or save a person before you give it up as a lost cause. Continuing the behavior and continuing to try to save the person is the reason why so many wife beaters get away with it, why so many alcoholics get away with it, why so many cheaters get away with it.

This is not really a generosity issue, it is a low-self esteem issue. Well, the alcoholic needs help. The person who stays with someone who beats them or cheats on them either doesn't care or has self esteem too low to think they can do better for themselves.

Sucks, but it's not the end of the world. I've got a shovel and a list of alibis you can borrow.