The Shrine

So this week has had my head spinning around and around. It all started this Monday when my girlfriend of 4 months wanted to move in with me. I have a 1 bedroom to myself, while she lives in a 3 bedroom with 2 roomies who happen to be a couple. She's grown tired of having to deal with living with said couple and being the confident for both parties and constantly tells me how much she dislikes living there because of this and the fact it does not feel like her home. I spend almost every night at her place even though its 50 miles to work for me in LA traffic so I drive 100 miles a day if I see her or spend the night. I love my girlfriend and I can understand her situation but I was in no way ready to have her move in as much as it sounds 'nice' at times. So I decide why not she can move in, but hey how will I tell my parents.... I may be 22 and have a degree and a good paying job but lord knows I still feel indebted to them at times. Her roomies cannot find someone to move into her room and she'd have to pay the rent or buy out of the lease, which she could not afford to do. So she ask me if I want to move in with her and cancel the lease on my apartment early. My landlord is cool and would not lose my deposit or have to pay out the remainder of the lease.

So I think about it but once again it comes down to how I tell my family I'm living with a girlfriend of 4 months and I canceled the lease to my own place and now have a new address and all that good shit. So she gets upset over the fact I put so much into respecting my parents and not doing something along this lines (which is stupidity to me and anyone else I talked to). So she's upset with her living situation and I come to find out her roomies have been fighting and themselves are on the verge of a breakup and I ask her if she think they would have stayed together so long if they had not moved in together, her response was yes, they would have broken up.

So in all this insanity my girlfriend tells me I am not at the same place in my life as her, and she is hoping I'll grow into who she thinks she loves. But last I checked I have a 4 year degree, my own apartment, my own car, bills I can easily afford, and money to drive down and spend it on her. She on the other hand has no degree or GED, works in a similar field and makes 28,000 in salary (which was her bosses attempt to fuck her over on the amount of overtime she puts in and the number of jobs she has to do). I on the other hand make 45,000 a year hourly and make other money doing freelance websites and design. I don't like my job much, but its only there for me to get experience. She on the other hand loves her job and the stress that seems to come from it.

I don't get where she is in her life that I'm not. I don't get stressed about work, I'm fairly easy going, and I treat her well. I wish she was more cuddly and wanted sex more often to be honest, and I've been the catalyst in her no longer smoking pot. I know she had a fucked up life, and was on some hardcore drugs a few years back, and is getting life put together.

this week has fucking drained me, im going to pass out when i get home and sleep

apparently she's giving her roomates a months notice and finding a new place with other people so she can be out of the situation because it has partially effected our relationship. I don't know

Damn man... let me be the first one to say don't, lol. I moved in with my girlfriend of 3 months to this apartment and 6 months later she goes psycho shit on me and destroys our relationship for no apparent reason. Smart ass me put her on the lease so we're pretty much stuck.

You two sound a lot like we were-- I'm all put together, she's making $10/hr at a kennel.

Although, after all this shit I do not regret my decision; I only regret putting both of us on the lease. Although our situation was very different-- your gf doesn't like her living conditions... mine was going to lose hers in a few weeks. It was an amazing 5 months, though. Now it's an awkward hurtful 7 months.

If you don't feel ready then definitely don't-- it can be the best and the worst thing to happen to your relationship.

Tessian, I honestly thought about your post on this matter when it came time to think about my answer.

I've never understood anyone, man or woman, who goes into a relationship thinking they can change someone or expecting that person to change into someone else. It's sheer lunacy.

I'd strongly suggest giving the relationship a little more time before you let her move in. You need time to get past any honeymoon phase and find out if you can actually stand each other for that long. Go on a vacation for a week together or something to see.

If you're having doubts already, take it slower, man

Anarky wrote:Tessian, I honestly thought about your post on this matter when it came time to think about my answer.

I'm glad. Under normal circumstances I wouldn't consider moving in with someone until a year, but unfortunately ours was far from normal and our only choices were to do what we did or she would have become homeless.

In your case you did the right thing-- the last thing you need right now is someone tearing apart what little foundation you've laid for your future. If there's one thing my past relationship taught me is that financial stability MATTERS on both sides. If not, then the balance is tipped and you've got one person feeling guilty for taking gifts and the other person unable to see the them struggling.

I hate to ask... but how, in this day and age, does someone not have at least a high school diploma?

Tessian wrote:I hate to ask... but how, in this day and age, does someone not have at least a high school diploma?

Anarky wrote:I know she had a fucked up life, and was on some hardcore drugs a few years back, and is getting life put together.

We have a province in our country called Alberta. There is so much demand for work that Alberta has an absolutely insane dropout level. They were recently bragging about how their students scored highest on tests in the world, higher than any country or state. They do have a high public education school budget, but I did notice that no where did anyone mention this insane dropout level they have. One could easily draw up the conclusion that all the stupid people dropped out to work in the oil fields while the intelligent ones remain.

Black Lotus wrote:

Tessian wrote:I hate to ask... but how, in this day and age, does someone not have at least a high school diploma?

Anarky wrote:I know she had a fucked up life, and was on some hardcore drugs a few years back, and is getting life put together.

Yup fucked up home life with little support or caring from parents led to falling into drugs for coping.

Hey Anarky-- don't know what you changed your avatar to but when I tried to load this page it asked me for login credentials for "Cal Poly Panoma" or something like that.

Ended up breaking up last night over the phone. I ended up saying some fucked up stuff after she got into it about my family and I slapped back about how her family "cared" so much they noticed when she got on drugs and dropped out of highschool, and I apologized for having parent who helped pay for my college and be there for me. Needless to say she said fuck you its over. I am kind of relieved and I think I've made up my mind.

I need to date people who went to college, had parents who gave a damn, and don't tell me where I'm at in my life versus them. I hate to say it but I was dating someone lower class than me and our view points did not line up.

Kinda glad I am out of the situation

Anarky wrote:Ended up breaking up last night over the phone. I ended up saying some fucked up stuff after she got into it about my family and I slapped back about how her family "cared" so much they noticed when she got on drugs and dropped out of highschool, and I apologized for having parent who helped pay for my college and be there for me. Needless to say she said fuck you its over. I am kind of relieved and I think I've made up my mind.

I need to date people who went to college, had parents who gave a damn, and don't tell me where I'm at in my life versus them. I hate to say it but I was dating someone lower class than me and our view points did not line up.

Kinda glad I am out of the situation

Holy shit man, are we on the same wavelength or what? This happened in my situation too except we never got to the argument you described... but I still can't talk about something nice like me getting a promotion or buying something nice cause all she'll do is compare it to how she can't or wishes she could.

I've made the same exact decision as you did here-- I met some new girls online this past month and non panned out because I decided that I needed someone who has their life together. I don't care if you went to college; only that you earn a decent living and have transportation. I hate to admit that finances play a good sized role in a relationship but they do. If one person is at poverty level and the other isn't it strains both people: the better off one can't stand by and let the other barely squeak by so they keep on buying things for them or helping out... and the other person feels guilty for receiving the aid. I won't go through that again. I don't even want to think about how much money I sunk into her in an attempt to give her the opportunity at a better life.

So I'm sorry you have to go through that shit, god knows it still hurts for me even now (although I also see her ever f'ing day) but you did the right thing. If you find any decent dating sites let me know

Thanks Tess, I am fortunate that I got out when I did and she did not move in with me, that would have been BAD.

Anarky and Tessian....ARE THE SAME PERSON!!!!

LOL!

Just try not to be TOO exclusive. People are flawed and will be flawed. Some people have fucked up parents, and some people never went to college because they happened to do well without it.

However, I would at least demand somebody with a HS education, and who can at least pay a normal month's of bills without getting bent out of shape. You can't fix stupid, and you can't fix gross irresponsibility. People have to fix that within themselves on their own.

Ron White's pretty much right: You can't marry into somebody outside your class.

Barret wrote:Anarky and Tessian....ARE THE SAME PERSON!!!!

LOL!

Nah... seems like Anarky is smarter than I am; he's not stuck living with his ex for another 3 months x_x

It is kinda creepy how similar our situations were, but in a way kinda comforting too

If you're intent on not dating somebody that graduated from university, that's your call, but don't put those of us that didn't in a lower class. I understand she's a special case, but many of the university graduates I know are no further along than I am in my mid-twenties.

I'm on page with Sine's post aside from the last sentence. Although you and Tess are certainly free to diagree with your current situations. I just think they're isolated.

Putting an educational requirement on your potential partners is not what you should be doing. Looking for somebody with similar or compatible goals, in a similar or compatible stage of their life is.

Black Lotus wrote:If you're intent on not dating somebody that graduated from university, that's your call, but don't put those of us that didn't in a lower class.

Yeah! Fea and I are both uni dropouts, and we are both seriously classy.

High five, team Kangaroo.

Anarchy put the college requirement up there-- I don't. I'm not bashing anyone's education. College may make it easier in many cases to securing a decent salary, but it's far from the top determining factor.

I just want the girl to be financially independent. If they can easily pay their bills every month and have disposable income that's fantastic. I don't care if they went to college for it or not; I just refuse to date someone making <$10/hr like my ex still is and is the reason why she's still here (can't afford to move out, can't afford for me to move out).

Yea I guess the educational requirement is a bit much but I think High School Diploma and a stable position with room for actual advancement are on the list. I've had a long spree of girls that come from single parent families and I kind of want someone who had the structure of 2 parents there, I've had a lot of abandonment issues when it comes to the girls I've dated.

Also they have to not suck dick at giving head

You date/marry/are with the person, not the status. That should be the only thing that matters, who they are as a person not what they have education-, status-, or material-wise.

My mentality was this: there was two or three traits in the person that I couldn't live without. Those would determine whether or not I wanted to turn it into or continue the serious relationship. The rest of the traits you take as a whole and decide on them. But it's unreasonable to expect more than two or three (mine were good-hearted and family-oriented) and it's completely up to you to decide whether that person has them.

One very important thing that kids nowadays seem to ignore: GET PAST THE FUCKING HONEYMOON PHASE. Don't get married or seriously involved with the person 7 minutes after meeting them. Get to know them for a while, the length of time differs depending on the type of walls or guard the person has. Find out what you DON'T like about them and decide if you can live with that before you invest yourself 100% emotionally. It takes a little discipline, I know (heaven forbid), but it's best for you in the end. (it's not a dig at anyone here, it's just a bit of venting that I wanted you guys to hopefully listen to the idea behind).

Anarky wrote: Also they have to not suck dick at giving head

Nice pun :-)

Zeus wrote:You date/marry/are with the person, not the status. That should be the only thing that matters, who they are as a person not what they have education-, status-, or material-wise.

True, but some early warning signs of their personality come from some factors of their class. If you can't even get past HS, how can you hope to get past a regular job? If you can't hold your own with even a small-time job, how can you manage money with somebody who's making a decent amount? If you can't even fix your present, how can you possibly think to the future?

Being poor sucks, but many people get out of it. The ones that don't are usually there because of their own problems with themselves.

Zeus wrote:One very important thing that kids nowadays seem to ignore: GET PAST THE FUCKING HONEYMOON PHASE. Don't get married or seriously involved with the person 7 minutes after meeting them. Get to know them for a while, the length of time differs depending on the type of walls or guard the person has. Find out what you DON'T like about them and decide if you can live with that before you invest yourself 100% emotionally. It takes a little discipline, I know (heaven forbid), but it's best for you in the end. (it's not a dig at anyone here, it's just a bit of venting that I wanted you guys to hopefully listen to the idea behind).

Well, the opposite of that is what I call the "High Fidelity" rule: Don't jump from rock to rock until there aren't any rocks left. Being too exclusive (which is common from a bad breakup) can cost you a lot.

Anarky wrote:Also they have to not suck dick at giving head

Good luck on that one :P

SineSwiper wrote:

Zeus wrote:You date/marry/are with the person, not the status. That should be the only thing that matters, who they are as a person not what they have education-, status-, or material-wise.

True, but some early warning signs of their personality come from some factors of their class. If you can't even get past HS, how can you hope to get past a regular job? If you can't hold your own with even a small-time job, how can you manage money with somebody who's making a decent amount? If you can't even fix your present, how can you possibly think to the future?

Being poor sucks, but many people get out of it. The ones that don't are usually there because of their own problems with themselves.

Anarky wrote:Also they have to not suck dick at giving head

Good luck on that one

At the same time, you get people who are perfectly fine in life but not in school. My uncle never even finished Grade 9 and he's a multi-millionaire.

It's the person, not the class, that matters. HS or college or whatever don't matter that much. Any reliance on those factors may help increase the chances (I will never deny that a lot of HS dropouts turn into nothing) but it should never be used as an exclusive criteria.

Zeus wrote:At the same time, you get people who are perfectly fine in life but not in school. My uncle never even finished Grade 9 and he's a multi-millionaire.

One, that's incredibly rare. Most high school drop outs that I know are single with 3-4 kids and no real job. Two, he's not exactly poor now, is he? So, he's at least smart enough to overcome his lack of education (if he was the one who made himself a millionaire).

Zeus you're trying to argue against a point none of us were making...

I agree with Sine that being able to stay financially secure both in income and money management is a good indicator of the person. My ex would talk one night about how she couldn't afford to buy lunches that week, then ask me if I'd be ok with her buying a large fish tank for the dining room. Education plays a factor in these things but obviously there are exceptions which is why I don't care how long you went to school, just what you've done with your career since you got out. Not only for the personality indicators mentioned above, but because I have already been in a relationship where I tried not to make our money differences not matter. When I met my ex she was living with her mom, making $10/hr part time, no car and no license. When I was done supporting her she now shares her own apartment (and pays all bills 50/50), still makes $10/hr but full time and often with overtime, has a car (a shitty car but it's a Nissan Sentra so it'll go forever) and a license.

I'm just not going to let myself go into another relationship where I have to support her because my personality won't let me just leave things alone; I can't sit here with a great salary and watch the person I care most about struggle to pay their bills... that's when I end up spending too much money on them and in the end that just causes resentment on both sides (or maybe only after you've broken up and they're still here).

Tessian wrote:Zeus you're trying to argue against a point none of us were making...

I was?

Zeus wrote:

Tessian wrote:Zeus you're trying to argue against a point none of us were making...

I was?

Yes-- you were arguing how you don't need to be highly educated to make a good living and no one here has been saying otherwise.

Tessian wrote:

Zeus wrote:

Tessian wrote:Zeus you're trying to argue against a point none of us were making...

I was?

Yes-- you were arguing how you don't need to be highly educated to make a good living and no one here has been saying otherwise.

I was using the example of a good living as saying "education don't mean jack about the person" 'cause the impression I got from above was the you should filter your possibilities based on education, which I disagree with.

Some of the dumbest people I've met have university education, some even professors. There is a trend, yes, but it should not be an exclusive criteria

Zeus wrote:

Tessian wrote:

Zeus wrote: I was?

Yes-- you were arguing how you don't need to be highly educated to make a good living and no one here has been saying otherwise.

I was using the example of a good living as saying "education don't mean jack about the person" 'cause the impression I got from above was the you should filter your possibilities based on education, which I disagree with.

Some of the dumbest people I've met have university education, some even professors. There is a trend, yes, but it should not be an exclusive criteria

And I'm trying to tell you you're mistaken and no one was making that claim. We said as long as they have their lives together and are independent then they're good. Education plays a part in that definitely but there are plenty of exceptions to that rule. Especially these days it's hard to get a decent paying job without a college diploma but it's still obviously possible. My ex's educational background never bothered me, but her barely-above-minimum-wage job did.

If we agree then there's really no reason to continue arguing :-)

I read XKCD quite a bit, and this comic reminded me of how important it is to remember this is relationships.

I'm confused... what the heck happened in that comic? Top panel she looks very depressed... but why the ambulance?

Tessian wrote:I'm confused... what the heck happened in that comic? Top panel she looks very depressed... but why the ambulance?

Depression...attempted suicide...

Barret wrote:

Tessian wrote:I'm confused... what the heck happened in that comic? Top panel she looks very depressed... but why the ambulance?

Depression...attempted suicide...

Lucky guy... why can't my ex get depressed enough for that? Shortly after we broke up she mentioned being so depressed she was cutting again (not just because of the breakup... although she was the one who did it). During that time I didn't know when I came home from work if I'd find her alive or dead. Sometimes I wished the latter...

Anarky wrote:I read XKCD quite a bit, and this comic reminded me of how important it is to remember this is relationships.

Doesn't seem very comical to me.

Why do they insist on 'being friends' right after when I really have nothing to say to them? Then get mad about it

Anarky wrote:Why do they insist on 'being friends' right after when I really have nothing to say to them? Then get mad about it

Because it makes them feel better? I dunno. Asking to be friends right after a breakup is idiotic. If things didn't end THAT badly you can look me up in a few months and maybe I'll want to talk to you.

Tessian wrote:

Anarky wrote:Why do they insist on 'being friends' right after when I really have nothing to say to them? Then get mad about it

Because it makes them feel better? I dunno. Asking to be friends right after a breakup is idiotic. If things didn't end THAT badly you can look me up in a few months and maybe I'll want to talk to you.

"I wish she'll just die"....."why can't she be depressed enough to attempt suicide".....

I get to thinkin' that this particular relationship you had ain't exactly gonna end with you "being friends" :-)

Zeus wrote:

Tessian wrote:

Anarky wrote:Why do they insist on 'being friends' right after when I really have nothing to say to them? Then get mad about it

Because it makes them feel better? I dunno. Asking to be friends right after a breakup is idiotic. If things didn't end THAT badly you can look me up in a few months and maybe I'll want to talk to you.

"I wish she'll just die"....."why can't she be depressed enough to attempt suicide".....

I get to thinkin' that this particular relationship you had ain't exactly gonna end with you "being friends" :-)

While I've calmed down since those posts cause I finally got to talk to her-- I've bolded the part that explains why you're right.

Gee, an ex-druggie without even a GED doesn't want you anymore? Consider yourself lucky (you should have dumped her). Get out, improve yourself, and half some fun.

Ishamael wrote:Gee, an ex-druggie without even a GED doesn't want you anymore? Consider yourself lucky (you should have dumped her). Get out, improve yourself, and half some fun.

No I'm glad its over and I initiated the end, but really don't have anything to say to her.

Anarky wrote:

Ishamael wrote:Gee, an ex-druggie without even a GED doesn't want you anymore? Consider yourself lucky (you should have dumped her). Get out, improve yourself, and half some fun.

No I'm glad its over and I initiated the end, but really don't have anything to say to her.

Good move. Avoid women like this in the future.

Ishamael wrote:

Anarky wrote:

Ishamael wrote:Gee, an ex-druggie without even a GED doesn't want you anymore? Consider yourself lucky (you should have dumped her). Get out, improve yourself, and half some fun.

No I'm glad its over and I initiated the end, but really don't have anything to say to her.

Good move. Avoid women like this in the future.

But then how would any of us met you??

Well, relationships without drama can often end in friendship. Usually it's just more girls to invite to parties later. When a girl starts bringing drama into the equation, just be polite and point out how silly she is being, but not in a patronizing way.

If it makes you feel any better, my girlfriend and I of 4 months broke up--on VALENTINES DAY no less.

RentCavalier wrote:If it makes you feel any better, my girlfriend and I of 4 months broke up--on VALENTINES DAY no less.

Look at it this way, you saved $100.

RentCavalier wrote:If it makes you feel any better, my girlfriend and I of 4 months broke up--on VALENTINES DAY no less.

Better the day before than the weekend after. Either way, now you're free to find new cunny, and that's always exciting =)

Dutch wrote:
Better the day before than the weekend after. Either way, now you're free to find new cunny, and that's always exciting =)

I'm going to have to go ahead and disagree with you there... dating scene sucks Ass. I've been in it for what, 2-3 months now? I hate it. It's wonderful when you actually find someone, but that search is terrible. It's a depressing and frustrating experience that I loathe.

It sounds like some of you might be getting into these situations because of your dicks. "Well, we disagreed with everything, but we ended up having some hot sex." That sort of thing. Just recall a post a few threads ago about Barret's ex, for one.

After all, if these women have bad personalities or bad tastes or doesn't have their head screwed on straight, what's the point?