Interesting night...

[Anarky]

So last night after drinking copious amounts of whiskey throughout the day I texted my Ex since she had done the same to me a few days prior. Ended up chatting and making plans to see one another, the first time in 3 months in person.

Yes I was sober by this time and drove down to Orange County to talk to her. So I'm not much of a pot smoker but we had 2 bowls and then we just started talking about stuff and our relationship. No nothing about getting back together.

But after sitting there and talking and finding things out from her side in better detail, what was good what was bad. I realized how I am continually making some large mistakes in my relationships and I continue to repeat them. I always tend to be possessive and clingy/pushy. I always try to rush the beginning of a relationship without really getting to know the other person. I find things to argue and fight about. I can be obsessive at times even. Even I had to admit I wouldn't want to date myself with the way I can be at times.

I think I realized last night I missed the depth of conversations I had with my ex, and if we would have had mutual friends we probably would have only had that fun crush and eventually realized we would make better friends.

I have been in counseling in the past during college when things got rough with classes, work, and my relationship at the time. I never really worked on the relationships as much as my consoler seemed to have wanted me to. I think its worth sitting down with someone and exploring this so I don't continue to do this in relationships.

Any thoughts from you guys? Anyone else had to change how they dated or work on issues like mine?

[Tessian]

I've actually had similar issues with clinginess. I attribute it to the fact that it's always been so rare for me to find someone that when I do I go way too fast way and it scares them off. I found 2 workarounds to this problem: 1) Constantly keep it in mind and do NOT let yourself become clingy (this was also helped by having close friends that I could talk to and they'd tell me when I was being stupid) or 2) date someone who is just as clingy as you. #2 was my last ex... 'nuff said.

Really #1 works the best... just keep checking with yourself when you go to do something (could this be viewed as being too clingy or fast?) and as a backup if you have a friend (female friend is better) you can talk to as a 2nd opinion that is great too.

[RentCavalier]

Objectification is a problem with me, as well as the aforementioned clinging. In my case, I find it so rare to have a relationship (or, in the case of my last one, sex) that I try very hard to make the most of it, milking every ounce of whatever I can get from it before it inevitably collapses, without really realizing that the reason it collapses is BECAUSE I'm trying so hard to make it last.

[Julius Seeker]

Different girls have different expectations in a relationship. It's like a friendship, you just sort of have to pick up on what they want, and then give it to them. Some girls like it when you want no life except hers; other's like more independence. Example: If you meet a girl at the bars on a Saturday night, chances are she isn't going to like it if you make dates on a Saturday night unless it is to meet her gaggle.

[Tessian]

Different girls have different expectations in a relationship. It's like a friendship, you just sort of have to pick up on what they want, and then give it to them. Some girls like it when you want no life except hers; other's like more independence. Example: If you meet a girl at the bars on a Saturday night, chances are she isn't going to like it if you make dates on a Saturday night unless it is to meet her gaggle.

That's actually one thing I forgot to mention in my post-- ALWAYS go at the girl's pace (assuming there is no such thing as "too fast" or "too slow" for you). It takes some work to figure out what her pace is, but doing so makes things so much easier. If she only holds hands on the first date then fine. If she ends up going to third base on the first date then that's fine too. As long as you're patient (or bold) enough, it just works better that way.

[SineSwiper]

Yeah, people are different. The idea in a relationship is to adjust your mannerisms so that they reflect the norm in society, but not exactly the norm of any one person. For example, some people are clingy and some people aren't. So what? I'm that way. Hell, I practically moved into my wife's apartment on the 2nd date.

However, falling for a girl that you just met (and showing it too much) is beyond the norm. It's one of those boundaries that almost every person in society will mark as the same threshold. Other factors, like pacing or personality, are different for each person.

I would recommend that you work on the negatives that everybody would consider negatives. Arguing isn't really a bad thing, though you really should choose your battles, and not on the first (or 2nd or 5th) date. Everybody will have their negatives, but be sure to show your positives first. It's important to know what your negatives are, and try to minimize them.