The Shrine

Remember when I said I wrote things with words and stuff? Well, I've been working on my gargantuan magnum opus of a novel, and I've decided that I'm in need of some constructive criticism.

The book is going swimmingly, and I've just finished doing a section of backstory that I'd like to share with you guys and get your judgement on.

It's only about 8 pages and it should be pretty self-explanatory. The only prior explanation I'll have to give is that Crimson Iscariot is the name of a famous and much-feared pirate, and it is through his POV that this particular chunk of narrative is being told. The setting is in the 23rd century, and so the nation of Muspellheim is what we now call Germany.

If anything else seems confusing, let me know. This is my attempt at emulating H.P. Lovecraft.

http://www.mediafire.com/file/mtwmtmohy ... cariot.doc

Please, please, PLEASE tell me what you think.

I'll read it in a bit. I just remember the last time I tried to edit your work, I realized just how time-consuming editing can be.

I wrote something more indepth, but IE froze and I lost it. Here are two short comments (I read the entire story):

- Writing from a point of continual past tense is often cumbersome and distractive, for the writer and reader. You can set the stage then write in the moment. If it's a purposeful stylistic choice, I'd simply offer that it is currently difficult for me to read and the style could use revisions if you intend it to appeal [to me].

- It's an incomplete work, so any lack of insight due to that fact aside, I would say the story is currently uneven, in writing not content. Some things that appear irrelevant are too verbose; some things that appear relevant are glossed over.

Personally, I find a heavy handed take-away-then-add approach most useful for editing your own creative work. Toast every single sentence that doesn't add anything to the basics of the story. Go back and add to every sentence that's left - whether that focus is on the character or the events or both (I guess it depends on what your goal is with this portion). Do it as many times as needed.

If every word is purposeful, words aren't an obstacle for the reader, they are a clear path through your story. I couldn't enjoy and follow Crimson's reminiscence...I tripped in too many places.

Take this criticism for what you think it's worth and good luck with your book.

kali o. wrote:I wrote something more indepth, but IE froze and I lost it. Here are two short comments (I read the entire story):

- Writing from a point of continual past tense is often cumbersome and distractive, for the writer and reader. You can set the stage then write in the moment. If it's a purposeful stylistic choice, I'd simply offer that it is currently difficult for me to read and the style could use revisions if you intend it to appeal [to me].

- It's an incomplete work, so any lack of insight due to that fact aside, I would say the story is currently uneven, in writing not content. Some things that appear irrelevant are too verbose; some things that appear relevant are glossed over.

Personally, I find a heavy handed take-away-then-add approach most useful for editing your own creative work. Toast every single sentence that doesn't add anything to the basics of the story. Go back and add to every sentence that's left - whether that focus is on the character or the events or both (I guess it depends on what your goal is with this portion). Do it as many times as needed.

If every word is purposeful, words aren't an obstacle for the reader, they are a clear path through your story. I couldn't enjoy and follow Crimson's reminiscence...I tripped in too many places.

Take this criticism for what you think it's worth and good luck with your book.

^^ This is exactly what I need.

However, could you give me more detail on what was "irrelevant" and thus too verbose, and vice versa? Maybe an example?

RentCavalier wrote:
^^ This is exactly what I need.

However, could you give me more detail on what was "irrelevant" and thus too verbose, and vice versa? Maybe an example?

Depends. It would probably be easier if you explained exactly what your main goals were for that story portion -- that is, if you wanted me to pinpoint my suspicions (I base this on walking away from the story not really knowing who Crimson was, what really happened or why I read what I did. In other words, I wasn't engaged as a reader).

I can try re-writing a small excerpt though, with some creative liberties and maybe illustrate the readability issues I saw in a broader sense. I'll try:

I grew up in Saarland, a tiny province near the sea. My father was a fisherman by trade and often took me along. The sea became my home. The Ubermensch Council knew this when they plucked me from my family and dragged me off to serve. Say what you will about our government but efficiency is the pride and joy of the Germans. Why take the boy from the sea, when you can send him to sea in your service? Thus, I was drafted into the Naval Academy and trained as a sailor.

Four long years I served under that flag, on more ships than I care to remember. A hard worker that kept his head down; I asked no questions and spoke no complaint. I knew my place and I had no problem with it. Life was simply what life was. On reflection, I was in hell, but then so were all the children of Muspellheim, so none of us noticed.


Again, the liberties I took aside, I went through a quick initial edit to delete whatever portions I deemed superfluous. I took a second edit to smooth out grammar and flow. My final pass had me looking to add content...now mind you, I have no way of knowing what is relevant in the big picture. So I simply added a few adjectives (bolded) as a portion of my impressing on the reader who Crimson is (and in my mind, I made him someone that is still proud of his homeland, faults and all, much like himself. He doesn't look fondly on his youth, but neither would he change anything as it made him who he is today -- /shrug).

It reads better now, to me at least (ask someone else, maybe it's just a preference in style and I'm not "getting" it). But as a reader, I am still wondering a few things from that portion. Who was his father? Why is the sea his second home - really just some fishing trips? Anything happen at the academy? Why was life aboard the ship (earlier) hell?

Some of those questions may be relevant, and some are not. I can't know. But the less irrelevant questions you leave with the reader, the easier time they'll have keeping up with you.

I think a big issue is that this IS a section from the latter third of a much, much larger work, so context is difficult in places.

In all honesty, I actually like what you wrote better. Granted, that's because I'd made some pretty choppy grammatical errors in my original draft.

It's just further proof that I really do need a dedicated editor. I tend to catch a lot of my own errors, especially after re-reading a few times, but I'm always afraid of being too biased, since I ultimately start enjoying what I'm reading, and thus no longer looking at it objectively.

As for the point of the piece...well, like I said, it is part of a larger epic, but it was meant to be emulative of H.P. Lovecraft. The intent was, hopefully, to convey a degree of horror and melancholy, amidst the sad recollection.

RentCavalier wrote:The intent was, hopefully, to convey a degree of horror and melancholy, amidst the sad recollection.

Yeah, then I can say I didn't experience what you wanted to convey, at least to an impactful enough degree (to publish). I didn't know Crimson, I didn't care about about Crimson, so the plot, emotion and connection was lost on me as the reader. Again, I think some simple take-away would solve the majority of that (for me), and addition (tone and emotion) to what's left would amplify it and achieve what you desire.

As for the Lovecraft slant, I can't say I'd know. I'm not a fan and I haven't finished any of his stories. Whether your homage to him is in content or style, I'm not sure (hence my suggestion that I possibly just didn't "get it"). Hopefully a few other guys pipe up and share their thoughts for you to consider.

The hardest thing as a writer is finding the objectivity to honestly butcher your own work for the benefit of the reader. A lot can't do it...so they do need to find an editor - one they can trust enough to mess with their work.

Anyway, again, good luck with your book. I'd love to read it again when you edit it, or read more to place it in context.

Anyone else read it? I'd like as many different takes on it as I can.