Yes, it's one of THOSE threads. Time for a history lesson!
I've been in a relationship with an older woman for about 8 months now. She's 29, I'm 20. When I was in high school, 3 years back, we were co-workers at the local Wal-Mart, and I had a big crush on her. When we met again on Facebook, I was in college, she was going back to school herself, we started talking again and sparks flew.
Over time it became apparent that there were some serious feelings building between us, and she wasn't sure about them. She tried several times to try and end the relationship, and each time I managed to convince her that we should give us a shot. And so we did. For a whole semester we texted and phoned and talked to each other just about every day. We were good friends, we had a lot in common, and there was no pressure because we weren't really sure what was what. We eventually made plans for me to visit her over Christmas break. And I did.
And it was an amazing visit. We spent 8 days together, we went to movies, explored my favorite town in the world, and basically just fell in love. It was great, exciting, heartrending and passionate. We parted sadly, resolving to give this relationship a more serious shake, and she would visit me in March. And she did, and it was great...but not as great. I introduced her to my friends, kind of showed her my life, and I could tell that this was a place in her life that she had no interest in going back to. It bothered me a little, but it was a minor quibble and I dismissed my doubt as just that--doubts.
By now, it was clear that she was madly in love with me. And I emphasize MADly, because...well, when things started going south, they went south in a strange place.
Two Sundays ago, she texted me out of the blue demanding to know if she should be changing our relationship status on Facebook. Naturally, I was confused. As it turns out, because I hadn't called/texted her that weekend, she assumed that I was A) cheating on her and B)wanted nothing to do with her, and rather than have me TELL her that, she'd rather just end things quickly without fuss. Of course, because she'd assumed that it was all over, she took everything that reminded her of me, packed it in a box, and stuffed it in her closet. She also deleted our Facebook photo album.
I was really freaked out by the whole incident, and it gave me some major doubts in the foundation of our relationship. I asked for a couple of days to think about whether I really wanted to go through with this and she said ok. The next day, I get a call from her saying that she was about to board a connecting flight to Phoenix and she'd be there that evening at 7. Needless to say, I freaked. I really freaked. I had no idea what her intentions were, what her state of mind was, any of that. As it turns out, she was coming here to try and fix things face-to-face, but I had no way of knowing that, and we ended up having a big fight.
We reconciled, but I wanted to take some more time, because I was still really emotional over that past weekend, and wanted some time to think. So, we're on a 2-week break. And at first, I was fully ready to let us give this a try. She's moving out here in August, and she said she's doing that regardless of her decision--she can't afford to keep going to college, and she's sick of Massachusetts. But that raises a lot of issues--for one, I am seriously questioning whether I am READY for a committed relationship. I've just turned 20, I'm trying to get through college with some semblance of a career, and honestly, love, relationships, and dealing with her MANY issues is not high on my priorities.
And that's the thing. She's almost 30, and she'll readily admit that she's done nothing with her life. It's a problem, but it's also not a problem she seems willing to solve. She's immature for her age, and has these bouts of irrationality. Bad relationships in the past have given her trust issues, and she's got a lot of baggage from both them and her rather fucked up family. She's trying to save herself from a bad situation, which is the main reason she's coming out here--though, obviously, I am the other.
And she really loves me. She REALLY loves me...and at this point, I'm certain that she loves me more than I love her. And I do love her--I've never loved anyone the same way I love her, and she's everything I want--nurturing, considerate, accepting, and totally thinks I'm the coolest thing ever. But she's everything I want...five years from now. Now, at the cusp of this becoming really serious, I realize that I don't think I want to settle into a committed relationship. I'm not ready. I don't have many great reasons, but I need to go with my gut.
Of course, I'm conflicted. I know this will break her heart, and I hate that. I know that she'll want to change my mind, or that she'll blame herself, and it ultimately isn't her fault, because despite everything, I could very easily just be patient and help her through her tough times and be as good to her as I can be, and she'll be incredibly happy...and I may not be. She's afraid that she'll regret us not giving it a real shot, but I see it different. I don't want to regret having chosen her. I'd rather end it now and try to at least remain friends. Maybe in a few years, things'll be different. Maybe not. But I realize now that, though I love her and care for her deeply, I don't WANT this relationship. I feel selfish, and I feel like I'm taking the easy way out...but ultimately, it's the only way that I can think of right now that doesn't end with both of us miserable, or both of us stuck in a situation that becomes unbearable.
Sorry to vent. I haven't actually broken up with her yet--our 2-weeks isn't over til next Thursday, but I'm likely going to give her the news this weekend. I imagine she's been stressing about this just as much as I have. I guess, right now, as I meditate on this decision before going through with it (and I've talked with everyone I know to get their input) I turn to you guys to chime in. I want to know what you think.
I've been in a relationship with an older woman for about 8 months now. She's 29, I'm 20. When I was in high school, 3 years back, we were co-workers at the local Wal-Mart, and I had a big crush on her. When we met again on Facebook, I was in college, she was going back to school herself, we started talking again and sparks flew.
Over time it became apparent that there were some serious feelings building between us, and she wasn't sure about them. She tried several times to try and end the relationship, and each time I managed to convince her that we should give us a shot. And so we did. For a whole semester we texted and phoned and talked to each other just about every day. We were good friends, we had a lot in common, and there was no pressure because we weren't really sure what was what. We eventually made plans for me to visit her over Christmas break. And I did.
And it was an amazing visit. We spent 8 days together, we went to movies, explored my favorite town in the world, and basically just fell in love. It was great, exciting, heartrending and passionate. We parted sadly, resolving to give this relationship a more serious shake, and she would visit me in March. And she did, and it was great...but not as great. I introduced her to my friends, kind of showed her my life, and I could tell that this was a place in her life that she had no interest in going back to. It bothered me a little, but it was a minor quibble and I dismissed my doubt as just that--doubts.
By now, it was clear that she was madly in love with me. And I emphasize MADly, because...well, when things started going south, they went south in a strange place.
Two Sundays ago, she texted me out of the blue demanding to know if she should be changing our relationship status on Facebook. Naturally, I was confused. As it turns out, because I hadn't called/texted her that weekend, she assumed that I was A) cheating on her and B)wanted nothing to do with her, and rather than have me TELL her that, she'd rather just end things quickly without fuss. Of course, because she'd assumed that it was all over, she took everything that reminded her of me, packed it in a box, and stuffed it in her closet. She also deleted our Facebook photo album.
I was really freaked out by the whole incident, and it gave me some major doubts in the foundation of our relationship. I asked for a couple of days to think about whether I really wanted to go through with this and she said ok. The next day, I get a call from her saying that she was about to board a connecting flight to Phoenix and she'd be there that evening at 7. Needless to say, I freaked. I really freaked. I had no idea what her intentions were, what her state of mind was, any of that. As it turns out, she was coming here to try and fix things face-to-face, but I had no way of knowing that, and we ended up having a big fight.
We reconciled, but I wanted to take some more time, because I was still really emotional over that past weekend, and wanted some time to think. So, we're on a 2-week break. And at first, I was fully ready to let us give this a try. She's moving out here in August, and she said she's doing that regardless of her decision--she can't afford to keep going to college, and she's sick of Massachusetts. But that raises a lot of issues--for one, I am seriously questioning whether I am READY for a committed relationship. I've just turned 20, I'm trying to get through college with some semblance of a career, and honestly, love, relationships, and dealing with her MANY issues is not high on my priorities.
And that's the thing. She's almost 30, and she'll readily admit that she's done nothing with her life. It's a problem, but it's also not a problem she seems willing to solve. She's immature for her age, and has these bouts of irrationality. Bad relationships in the past have given her trust issues, and she's got a lot of baggage from both them and her rather fucked up family. She's trying to save herself from a bad situation, which is the main reason she's coming out here--though, obviously, I am the other.
And she really loves me. She REALLY loves me...and at this point, I'm certain that she loves me more than I love her. And I do love her--I've never loved anyone the same way I love her, and she's everything I want--nurturing, considerate, accepting, and totally thinks I'm the coolest thing ever. But she's everything I want...five years from now. Now, at the cusp of this becoming really serious, I realize that I don't think I want to settle into a committed relationship. I'm not ready. I don't have many great reasons, but I need to go with my gut.
Of course, I'm conflicted. I know this will break her heart, and I hate that. I know that she'll want to change my mind, or that she'll blame herself, and it ultimately isn't her fault, because despite everything, I could very easily just be patient and help her through her tough times and be as good to her as I can be, and she'll be incredibly happy...and I may not be. She's afraid that she'll regret us not giving it a real shot, but I see it different. I don't want to regret having chosen her. I'd rather end it now and try to at least remain friends. Maybe in a few years, things'll be different. Maybe not. But I realize now that, though I love her and care for her deeply, I don't WANT this relationship. I feel selfish, and I feel like I'm taking the easy way out...but ultimately, it's the only way that I can think of right now that doesn't end with both of us miserable, or both of us stuck in a situation that becomes unbearable.
Sorry to vent. I haven't actually broken up with her yet--our 2-weeks isn't over til next Thursday, but I'm likely going to give her the news this weekend. I imagine she's been stressing about this just as much as I have. I guess, right now, as I meditate on this decision before going through with it (and I've talked with everyone I know to get their input) I turn to you guys to chime in. I want to know what you think.
super sad.
