Really struggling with recent decisions and developments...

[Imakeholesinu]

I hate beating this topic like a dead horse but I'm back to having trouble with women. I met this girl that I hung out with last night through my work. We went out with a group of people after she got off work and had a few drinks. I offered to give her a ride home since some other people were going to a party which she didn't really want to go or something to that effect, plus my car was parked right out front of the bar so it being a chilly night may have had some play on it. Anyway, we get to her place and we're just sitting my car talking, we must have talked for 45 minutes or so in my car. She tells me she has to get up in the morning and drive to StL with her friends for the Thai New Year (She's Japanese and is friends with my Thai friend who got me the job the restaurant I worked at down in cape earlier in the year.) We get ready to say goodbye and I kiss her on the cheek and then there's that lull, when you begin to pull away you stop and look at the other person and I just decided to take advantage of it. Now, if you're a 6'4" guy with a 5'6" girl in the passenger seat of a Saturn, it's not really that comfortable, but then again I don't think either of us cared. So we made out and we had to get some sleep since she had to drive in the morning but she didn't want to go to her place since apparently it was a mess. I told her I didn't mind the mess but after some coaxing she convinced me to drive back to my place (not too far, about a 3 minute drive, but we were parked right in front of her apartment.) So we go back to my place, talk and make out more sleep for about an hour and then I take her back to her place. Needless to say I had a wonderful time hanging out with this girl and I felt like I really had a connection with someone which is rare for me and we'll definitely see one another again.

Unfortunately I feel very bad since I've also been, before I went out with Natsumi last night, I got wasted thursday and called Amber and almost arranged this sexcapade with her for this weekend, but cancelled it on friday. Probably for the 3rd or 4th time I'll say this, when it rains it pours. So now I feel bad since I feel like I'll be playing at least one of these girls. If I had to choose right now between them, I'd have to say I'd choose Natsumi.

My main problem is how do I break it to Amber that I'm interested in someone else and I don't think we can continue our mostly physical relationship since I'm interested in Natsumi?

Why not keep both of them since they both live so far away? I really don't think I could do that since I've had it done to me before. Be honest? or Lie? or just don't say anything at all?

I'm sorry, I know most of you are really sick of hearing my personal problems with women, but I figure if there is any other group of people that I can talk too about this besides my friends at school it'd be here. Thanks in advance for any advice you all can offer.

[the Gray]

Right now I'm Dark Gray, so my answer isn't the PC one.

You've got 2 women willing to get freaky with you? Great! I say keep it going with both of them. Don't offer any info about either of them so you don't have to lie about it. If it does come up, just keep it as brief as possible.
ie, "well, yes I am dating others as well."

But it comes down with what you are comfortable with. 6 months ago I wouldn't have been, now I am.

[Nev]

My main problem is how do I break it to Amber that I'm interested in someone else and I don't think we can continue our mostly physical relationship since I'm interested in Natsumi?

Tact. Try not to hurt her feelings...but in the end there's only so much you can really do. Honesty is usually my best policy, but I'm also not often accused of being terribly considerate, so take it with a grain of salt.

Though also, you've only been out with this Natsumi girl once? Be careful...things can dry up...I hate to sound scummy, but I think there's nothing wrong with playing the field a little bit too - you don't HAVE to just go out with one girl at one time.

My feeling is that if you have one girl willing to get freaky with you on a regular basis and another who's seems interesting AND interested...these are what I used to call "quality problems", as in, they may be problems, but you could be doing a hell of a lot worse too. ;D

[Imakeholesinu]

Both of your approaches seem like what I will end up doing. Using tact hasn't been my strongest attribute when in different touchy situations where I felt it needed to be utilized, but I'll do my best. Mainly though, I don't want Natsumi finding out about Amber since I do prefer her over Amber. And I've only been with Amber once, but we just talk on the phone. Natsumi and I have known each other since I started working and we've partied at the same places outside of work. So I'm not sure how much bearing all of that should have in my decision, but I still feel a bit uncomfortable playing the field.

[Nev]

Look, I don't see anything wrong with being physical with more than one person in the same (general) period of time - I mean, hell, I don't see anything wrong with three-ways or orgies as long as everyone ends up happy the next day and no one gets sick - but I think if you have to take pains to conceal something from someone else there may be a problem with that. I think most people have a right to know what kind of a situation they're dealing with.

When I was in high school I went on a grad trip to Mexico. I was sharing a taxi with a few of the most socially successful students and this guy and girl who were a couple were talking - she was drunk and talking to him about some guy she wanted to have sex with - his reply was "I don't care if you sleep with him, just don't CARE about him."

It may seem unrelated, but I brought up this anecdote to illustrate that things aren't always what they seem and that social prejudices are not always true. This Natsumi girl may not care about your physical relationship with Amber - then again, she might - I don't know her or your relationship with her so I don't have much to say on that. But I do believe in honesty and I don't think the idea of concealing things from people is a good one.

Just my two cents...

[Imakeholesinu]

But then should I just bring it up and say "Hey, I'm also fooling around with someone else."? Or should I wait to expose it? Or should I just stop it right now?

[Shellie]

If your relationship with Amber is purely physcial, just tell her you may have found someone.

Ive done it. I had a purely physcial relationship with someone before I met Sine. Once we met, I told him about it and he was very happy for me.

And if you're really interested in someone else, don't fool around. If the girl finds out, she's probably going to be hurt and may not trust you as much.

If I was dating a guy and I found out he was also fooling around with another girl, it would be really weird for me, and I think my feelings would probably change.

[Kupek]

And if you're really interested in someone else, don't fool around. If the girl finds out, she's probably going to be hurt and may not trust you as much.

<i>May</i> not trust him <i>as much</i>? More like not at all.

My advice is simple, and it's pretty much the same thing I always say: figure out who you want to be with, and explain that to all parties involved. If you actually want a real relationship, hiding something on the side isn't the way to do it.

[Imakeholesinu]

Good'ol Kupek! I like how you put things in perspective. It is really all about what I want, and if it doesn't necessarily work out with the party that I do want, then there will always be someone else out there. I guess I have to be honest then don't I? I think it will be a very short conversation with Amber this evening.

[the Gray]

Hmmn, I forgot to add one part as what Kupek says makes sense.

I currently don't WANT to be with anyone in a real relationship. So having 2 or more purely physical relationships is fine with me. In fact one is coming over in about 20 to give me an early birthday present.

I'm an Ass, and I'm ok with that.

[Imakeholesinu]

See, I'm not really comfortable with that, as much as maybe I fantisize about being comfortable with it, I'm just not.

[Julius Seeker]

Barret, your issue is fairly simple. look at it this way, has Amber been good enough for you and to you to be satisfying? If not, then drop her and go with the other one. Now if you had 5+ girls involved, then it's complicated =)

[SineSwiper]

Besides maybe having a physical friend, the best policy is to only have one chick that you care about. Go after one chick at a time. Going beyond that it just asking for trouble.

[Imakeholesinu]

So I had my first date with Natsumi today I guess. I took her to lunch and then we went to the park afterwards and walked around and talked and made out. I have to say I think it went very well today. We made tenative plans for this weekend on saturday night after she gets off work. So yeah, I'm excited.

[SineSwiper]

You talk to Amber yet?

[Imakeholesinu]

She called last night but I didn't want to call her back yet. I really should though, but today I'm very busy with class, (11am - 9pm).

[Ishamael]

If you're having sex with one, then that's the one you should stick with...unless you don't mind being intentionally evil.

[Imakeholesinu]

I had sex with one which wasn't a mistake, but more like a mutual physical need that was fulfilled, but I think she wants more than that. Believe me, I do not want to journey down the path of the dark side, I've seen what happens there.

[Eric]

I had sex with one which wasn't a mistake, but more like a mutual physical need that was fulfilled, but I think she wants more than that. Believe me, I do not want to journey down the path of the dark side, I've seen what happens there.

You don't know the power of the dark side!

[SineSwiper]

The longer you delay, the harder it is going to be for both of you to break it off.

[Imakeholesinu]

Ok so my situation is becoming a bit more clear to me. First off Amber keeps bringing up that she needs to find a man, which I keep urging her to do, so I think I'm out of the woods as far as she goes.

Natsumi's situation is a bit more complicated. I guess you can't get on the train without your baggage. She has a little bit since she still keeps in touch with her ex. She tells me though that her ex is more like a brother to her than anything and she thinks that would be strange for me since they do talk a lot. It is a bit odd but not out of the realm that it hasn't happened before in my life where I've heard about this sort of attachment. Every woman has baggage, but I'm curious if I should be more causious or more open minded when approaching this situation.

[SineSwiper]

Being friends with her ex is one thing. Thinking her ex "like a brother" is something else. Being "like a brother" means that if she could have a physical relationship with him, she would.

Either that, or she's just using the phrase to distance herself from the physical part. A lot of people use "like a brother" or "like a sister" to talk about the opposite sex in a purely friendship manner. It's highly annoying when you're single and on the receiving end of the phrase, but I digress.

In any case, you're going to have to trust her to behave. Just tell her that you're okay with her being friends with him. Given the choice, be more open-minded with it. Being suspectious only breeds distrust, and we've already had this conversation about the importance of trust.

[Imakeholesinu]

I have to agree with you sine. Your last comment makes sense.

[SineSwiper]

Good. Let us know how it turns out.

[Imakeholesinu]

Good thing I turned my cellphone on silent last night. Amber called me three times, absolutely wasted, and her messages went along the lines of "I want to have sex with you and I want more than just that." So I'm not out of the woods like I thought, but then again she could have just been drunk and horny, though some people are honest drunks. Should have taken care of this last week. Coulda, woulda, shoulda...

[Julius Seeker]

I have been reading up in some old psychology books. Alcohol induces nymphomania, watch out.

[the Gray]

Ahh, well that's good to know. I applaud the generous imbibing of alcohol by women. Now I know why they actually respond to my game.

[Zeus]

I have been reading up in some old psychology books. Alcohol induces nymphomania, watch out.

Intoxication of any kind drops your defenses and "frees you", so you become more of who you truly want to be vs who you are (ie. the image you try to portray is gone). That's why some people change completely when they're drunk while others don't change at all, but become simply more of what they appear to be. They're the ones not trying to be someone they're not

[Julius Seeker]

I don't think that's entirely true. I think people often get very confused when they are drunk. For example, urinating on the top floor of a club because they think they're in the washroom. Picking up a VERY unattractive girl and taking her home for some very nasty nasty deeds; because you are confused and think she is attractive.

My psychology books seem to be slightly out of date:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nymphomania

[SineSwiper]

That's okay. I've had a booty call like that when I was hanging with another chick. That's the bad part about physical relationships; you gotta find another fuck buddy when the guy/girl is dating.