Seriously...I was pawing through the Onion archives for Bush administration humor, reading a bunch of it, then started reading on CNN.com about Bush trying to promote biodiesel. I kept forgetting I was reading the real news.
This is part of what I read:
This is part of what I read:
But really in my head it was going more like this:CNN.com wrote:WEST POINT, Virginia (AP) -- With gasoline prices soaring, President Bush urged Congress on Monday to encourage development of alternate fuels like biodiesel and ethanol to make the United States less dependent on foreign oil.
"Our dependence on foreign oil is like a foreign tax on the American dream, and that tax is growing every year," Bush said at the Virginia BioDiesel Refinery about 140 miles south of Washington.
Bush flew here, about 30 miles from Richmond, to visit a production facility for biodiesel, an alternative fuel made from soybeans that is cleaner-burning and American-made, but carries a higher price tag that regular diesel fuel. It is often blended with conventional transportation fuels as an extender.
Before his speech, the president got a demonstration of how biodiesel is made -- and how cleanly it burns in an engine. Bush was given a white handkerchief that had been held on an exhaust pipe of a revved-up 18-wheeler, and deemed it clean enough to hold up to his nose.
"Biodiesel is one of our nation's most promising alternative fuel sources and by developing biodiesel you're making this country less dependent on foreign sources of oil," he said.
My Onionated brain thought it wrote:WEST POINT, Virginia (AP) -- With gasoline prices soaring, President Bush urged Congress on Monday to encourage development of alternate fuels like biodiesel, ethanol, and fairy dust to make the United States less dependent on foreign oil.
"Our dependence on foreign oil is like a foreign tax on the American wealthy oil elite...I mean, dream, and that tax is growing every year," Bush said at the Virginia BioDiesel Refinery about 140 miles south of Washington.
Bush flew here, about 30 miles from Richmond, to visit a production facility for biodiesel, an alternative fuel made from soybeans that is cleaner-burning and American-made, but carries a higher price tag that regular diesel fuel. It is often blended with conventional transportation fuels as an extender. Economists and environmentalists alike have raised concerns about the sustainability and possible environmental damage caused by biodiesel; when asked to comment on the subject, Bush replied, "Well, what do those guys know anyway? That's like saying drilling in the Alaska Wildlife refuge might cause environmental damage. These environmentalists...they quote all those facts and figures to try to prove their point, but God and I both know that's just not true."
Before his speech, the president got a demonstration of how biodiesel is made -- and how cleanly it burns in an engine. Bush was given a white handkerchief that had been held on an exhaust pipe of a revved-up 18-wheeler, and deemed it clean enough to hold up to his nose. An unnamed pundit who pointed out that after years of hard drinking and cocaine use Bush may not have much of a sense of smell left was led away for a "special consultation" with federal agents by a man in military fatigues.
"Biodiesel is one of our nation's most promising alternative fuel sources and by developing biodiesel you're making this country less dependent on foreign sources of oil," he said. "I mean, the fact that it's not likely to do a thing about the high price of oil and especially gas in the short term, or help relieve the stress being put on the poor by these prices, is just a speed bump on the shining golden highway to continued American success." When asked about alternative ideas should biodiesel prove untenable, Bush outlined plans to visit a elvish fairy dust patch and mystic mushroom farm later that week, and highlighted especially the clean-burning properties of magical and unrealistic flights of fancy.
