so I tried my hand at a little bit of onion-style humor...
PostPosted:Wed Jun 08, 2005 8:37 pm
I needed a break from programming, so I decided to write a little Onion-style article. Let me know what you guys think.
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Marijuana Study Faulted For Lack of Bias
MARIN COUNTY, CA - A new study on the short-to-medium effects of cannabis sativa smoking on humans, released on Monday, has been roundly criticized by top Drug Enforcement Officials Monday for a notable lack of bias against the drug. The study, which was partially federally funded, lists among its conclusions both frequently-cited detrimental effects, such as the inhalation of tars and carcinogens that could lead to cancer, as well as the potential for positive use in areas such as relief from chronic pain and assistance in recovering the appetites of chemotherapy patients. Government experts have expressed outrage, and agreed that the study lacks several fundamental prejudices expected of all studies on the drug.
Roland J. Dimitwer, an official at the DEA, was quoted as saying, "This study is deeply flawed, and we regret that such an unbiased piece of study ever received federal funding. I mean, we give these guys money fully expecting that they'll come back with proof of what we already know, which is that marijuana is a dangerous gateway drug known to cause psychosis, violent behavior, and death, and they come back with this shit. Henry Aslinger must be rolling over in his grave."
Harold Smithson, the lead researcher on the project, expressed some bafflement at the criticisms leveled on his project. "We came up with the conclusion that, while day-to-day cannabis smoking by otherwise healthy people may certainly have detrimental effects, there is a chance for significant pain relief for those with certain crippling conditions and that more research is indicated. We feel that people who suffer as much pain as some of these people do ought to be given the benefit of at least looking into the benefits of something like this. Not many people know that cannabis criminalization was originally opposed by the American Medical Association's representative in the 1920's, and the science seems to indicate that maybe we ought to give this another chance."
Smithson's study focused on purely medicinal uses and did not focus on other suggested uses of cannabis, such as paper made from hemp, which is usually considered a less environmentally damaging option than wood-pulp paper. The paper did mention certain psychological and social issues surrounding marijuana, such as statistics quoted that show a positive correlation between marijuana use and later use of "hard" street drugs such as cocaine and heroin, but also presented that the present criminal status of cannabis may account for some of this correlation, in that individuals who show an unwillingness to respect drug law with regard to marijuana may be more likely to disregard the law regarding other drugs as well.
Asked to respond to Smithson's assessment of his study, Dimitwer said, "Bullshit. This guy is obviously unfit to be a scientist and we should revoke his medical marijuana license immediately. It's widely known that pot screws people up - I mean, my brother's nephew had a friend who was drinking and smoking pot, and later on that night he did some acid and he got into a car accident! Statistics like that don't lie. And it's also a well-known statistical fact that when blacks and Mexicans smoke a little bit of pot, they start thinking they own the world, and we don't need any problems like that." When asked for further comment, Smithson stated that he was overdue to meet his wife at Murphy's Bar downtown and would respond to further questions tomorrow, and was overheard saying to a subordinate, "Man, I'm really looking forward to meeting my wife at the bar tonight. Thank God we can tell the difference in this country between a safe and socially acceptable drug like alcohol and a dangerous, rabble-rousing substance like marijuana."
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Marijuana Study Faulted For Lack of Bias
MARIN COUNTY, CA - A new study on the short-to-medium effects of cannabis sativa smoking on humans, released on Monday, has been roundly criticized by top Drug Enforcement Officials Monday for a notable lack of bias against the drug. The study, which was partially federally funded, lists among its conclusions both frequently-cited detrimental effects, such as the inhalation of tars and carcinogens that could lead to cancer, as well as the potential for positive use in areas such as relief from chronic pain and assistance in recovering the appetites of chemotherapy patients. Government experts have expressed outrage, and agreed that the study lacks several fundamental prejudices expected of all studies on the drug.
Roland J. Dimitwer, an official at the DEA, was quoted as saying, "This study is deeply flawed, and we regret that such an unbiased piece of study ever received federal funding. I mean, we give these guys money fully expecting that they'll come back with proof of what we already know, which is that marijuana is a dangerous gateway drug known to cause psychosis, violent behavior, and death, and they come back with this shit. Henry Aslinger must be rolling over in his grave."
Harold Smithson, the lead researcher on the project, expressed some bafflement at the criticisms leveled on his project. "We came up with the conclusion that, while day-to-day cannabis smoking by otherwise healthy people may certainly have detrimental effects, there is a chance for significant pain relief for those with certain crippling conditions and that more research is indicated. We feel that people who suffer as much pain as some of these people do ought to be given the benefit of at least looking into the benefits of something like this. Not many people know that cannabis criminalization was originally opposed by the American Medical Association's representative in the 1920's, and the science seems to indicate that maybe we ought to give this another chance."
Smithson's study focused on purely medicinal uses and did not focus on other suggested uses of cannabis, such as paper made from hemp, which is usually considered a less environmentally damaging option than wood-pulp paper. The paper did mention certain psychological and social issues surrounding marijuana, such as statistics quoted that show a positive correlation between marijuana use and later use of "hard" street drugs such as cocaine and heroin, but also presented that the present criminal status of cannabis may account for some of this correlation, in that individuals who show an unwillingness to respect drug law with regard to marijuana may be more likely to disregard the law regarding other drugs as well.
Asked to respond to Smithson's assessment of his study, Dimitwer said, "Bullshit. This guy is obviously unfit to be a scientist and we should revoke his medical marijuana license immediately. It's widely known that pot screws people up - I mean, my brother's nephew had a friend who was drinking and smoking pot, and later on that night he did some acid and he got into a car accident! Statistics like that don't lie. And it's also a well-known statistical fact that when blacks and Mexicans smoke a little bit of pot, they start thinking they own the world, and we don't need any problems like that." When asked for further comment, Smithson stated that he was overdue to meet his wife at Murphy's Bar downtown and would respond to further questions tomorrow, and was overheard saying to a subordinate, "Man, I'm really looking forward to meeting my wife at the bar tonight. Thank God we can tell the difference in this country between a safe and socially acceptable drug like alcohol and a dangerous, rabble-rousing substance like marijuana."