So I haven't been able to sleep very well the past...

[Imakeholesinu]

..three or five nights and I'm feeling very anxious about something and at some points, mostly when am in bed, my heart begins to race and I toss and turn for no apparent reason. This sometimes happens during the day at work just out of the blue. I've had a lot on my mind and a lot on my plate this past weekend but I think I was border line ready to have a couple anxiety attacks or something but I don't know why exactly. Yeah it's been a month since my ex left me and it is still a bit of a sore subject, but I thought I would be getting better by now, but I seem to be regressing.

Maybe it was going to the Cardinals game and seeing all the couples together in the stands and such or maybe it had something to do with a friend of mine getting married and me seeing some people whom I haven't seen in years.

I've been to 4 weddings this year and been in 1 of those. There's already another wedding planned for next october that I'll be attending.

I guess trying to rationalize how I feel just makes it seem how illogical my thinking has been these past couple weeks.

What the fuck do I do now? Seek help? Not enough money to pay the shrink, and I don't want any pills. Just let nature take it's course? May take weeks, months. I've tried calming myself down with the things I enjoy but I'll eventually get sidetracked and start thinking about how I could have done things differently with her, or how I could have done things differently at the wedding, or how I could have done things differently at the baseball game. I have zero confidence in myself right now and I really can't explain it. For some reason I feel like a failure, asshole, sob story, and a fuck up but there really no conclusive evidence as to why I should feel this way.

Anyone feel like weighing in feel free.

[Zeus]

The confidence thing is where you should start. You HAVE to start being truly comfortable with the fact that you did what you could and if it wasn't meant to be, it wasn't meant to be, and you just have to move on. It's really that simple. We humans like to overly complicate our lives as it makes us feel more intelligent/important, but the VAST majority of life's issues are simple and, by virtue of their simplistic structure, have simple solutions. If you overthink something, you make it very complicated and it becomes difficult to understand (usually involves bringing in lots of variables that don't have anything to do with the problem). As a society, we take things too damned seriously. All these psychologists/psychiatrists spewing out pop-science solutions and all these "support" structures are too much now. Just like unions can get too much control and be destructive, too much thought about something can make it much worse than it really is, and that's what these "support" structures do. Can't remember what that scientific theory is called, but all things being equal, the best solution is the simplist one. It's amazing how true that is in real life.

If you don't get that under control, nothing else matters. Pills will only help with the symptoms in the short term as all they do is mask the issue. If you don't fix the real problem, it'll keep coming back. My wife used to suffer from anxiety attacks and we've gotten that under control through years of working on her view of life (ie. not taking EVERYTHING seriously and lookin' at EVERYTHING in the most negative light possible). What it took was realization and complete acceptance that a lot of the things she took very seriously and very much to heart just weren't that big of a deal. Sure, it hurts when you lose someone you loved and thought loved you back, but man, when it's over, it's over. Relationships more often than not should end and do because one person isn't happy. Do you really want to be in a relationship with a person who doesn't have that feeling back? Probably not, so if she breaks it off, then there's a reason and you should be happy she did rather than suck you into a marriage, move together to a house, and then really fuck you up not only emotionally but monetarily as well.

I know it's not easy, but from my experiences, this is the only solution that works.

[Julius Seeker]

Well, if you do have a problem with your chemistry, then pills could be a nice solution to that. Though, I do think that the issue you have right now is more or less being stuck in the belief system that you actually have to get married. That's a lot of weight that really does not needlessly need to be there. What I would recommend is freeing your mind up, try and eliminate those beliefs that you have, each one is like a bar on a cage which is limiting your own frame of thought.

There are plenty of god writings throughout history on the subject, going back thousands of years. Friedrich Nietzsche is a good example, even some passages in various religious/mythological writings and fables depending on how you choose to interpret them. Carl Jung and Sigmund Freud are two others I would recommend.

[Imakeholesinu]

Well, if you do have a problem with your chemistry, then pills could be a nice solution to that. Though, I do think that the issue you have right now is more or less being stuck in the belief system that you actually have to get married. That's a lot of weight that really does not needlessly need to be there. What I would recommend is freeing your mind up, try and eliminate those beliefs that you have, each one is like a bar on a cage which is limiting your own frame of thought.

There are plenty of god writings throughout history on the subject, going back thousands of years. Friedrich Nietzsche is a good example, even some passages in various religious/mythological writings and fables depending on how you choose to interpret them. Carl Jung and Sigmund Freud are two others I would recommend.

Unfortunately, I don't think the weight of me wanting to get married is there, but it's more along the lines of if I do get married will I be able to make it last longer than 50% of the people out there today? I grew up catholic and I still want to believe that marriage is a bond between two people (who cares what sex they are) for the rest of their lives even though I was raised in a broken home. I'm pretty sure there was some form of monogomy before there was religion. I think it's coming to the turning point in a lot of my friends life and watching them go through this sort of cultural right of passage that begins with building their own family and home is what has me down. I guess I'm very bitter that she never mentioned or voiced her opinions on how she felt on some of my behaviour and thought I had some other worldly powers that can read her mind instantly and know exactly what the fuck was going on in her head. I'm sorry, I have a penis, it thinks for me 90% of the time, and my stomache thinks 7%, heart 2%...the rest is leftover. It's like it was over before I even knew about it. Try rationalizing the general differences between men and women to her and that was met with "then you don't see me really?" No, dear, I guess not but that should be ok as long as I fucking try.

[Ishamael]

This is ridiculous. You should not allow another human being to have this much control over your sense of self-worth.

Fuck taking pills. Fill up your free time doing something productive and reprogram yourself so that you are an independent human being who doesn't need a hot piece of pussy to validate himself (which is the real problem here).

Keep doing it until you believe it (the fact that it's true should help with this).

[Kupek]

Point one: there is no single thing you could have done differently. I just (as in, today) told a girl I didn't want a relationship with her after a month of very casual dating and hanging out. There is no single thing she could have done differently that would have changed the way I feel about her. It was <i>her</i>, not just the individual things she did.

You did things that felt natural to you. If you systematically did everything differently in the hopes of that making the difference, it would no longer be <i>you</i> she was in the relationship with. It would be you pretending to be someone else.

What hurts the most is that there is something about you, as a whole, that she's not attracted to. Being the person that you are, she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. It sucks. I even feel mean saying this, but you have to accept it if you want to move on.

Point two: aside from physical withdrawl, the most difficult part of getting over an addiction is finding something else to do with your time. Relationships are the same. She took up a lot of your time, and perhaps more importantly, your thoughts. You need to find something else to do with your time and to focus on. It's better if it's constructive. I lift and practice BJJ. When things suck, I tend to focus on them more. The most difficult part of a break up is to stop thinking about the person.

Point three: in order for relationships to work, both people need to be at the same place, emotionally. They need to want the same things out of the relationship, the same commitment levels. From everything you've said, I think you were more committed to the relationship than she was, you were looking for more out of it than she was. That's an inherent imbalance in the relationship, and it's just not stable. Nothing you could have done could have changed where she was in her life.

[Julius Seeker]

I'll probably be joining you very shortly in the singles court Barret, my relationship is terrible right now, and has been for the past two weeks. Not surprising, this is the third one this year that has screwed up. The problem here is that she moved in with me in August. I am certainly not one to speak of about relationship advice, but I think I have a very good idea about getting over them =)

[Imakeholesinu]

It's getting easier I guess now that the wedding is over, but I'm still waking up at 4am or so completely awake and not being able to fall back asleep before my alarm goes off at 6. Once I get to work I'm already exhausted. I have this general feeling of guilt I believe (not so much for the relationship, I'm not guilty of anything) but I feel as if I've messed something up now (again not pertaining to the relationship) or I've done something wrong. I really wish I could get rid of the feeling of something over me just waiting to drop onto me.

I'm now debating if maybe leaving Saint Louis for another place would help at all. I kinda feel like if I can move somewhere I can get a fresh start, sort of a clean slate so to speak. Advice?

I've asked a guy at my work to give me some advice on my resume so I can send it off to that recruiter in Kansas City to see if I can get a job there. The company says there are entry level positions availible and that was about two weeks ago. I'm at an internship now, should I try and take it?

As for my flaw, I just wish she would have told me what exactly it was that bothered her so I can justify it to whomever else I meet that picks it out if I need too.

[Zeus]

If you're gonna leave your city - which means leaving your friends, family, and job behind - you'd better be sure it's going to help you. It's a big enough deal to move, it's not something that's easy to reverse. You're going to sign a one-year lease on an apartment, change jobs, move all your crap, etc.

I know it sounds mean, but just learn better coping mechanisms. That's what I was talking about earlier. Really, it's the only solution. What are you going to do if you meet another chick in another town and something similar happens? You can't keep moving from town to town based on the success/failure of a relationship.

[Julius Seeker]

I once knew a guy who moved from St. Louis to Seattle, it was the best thing he ever did.

About the girl thing though, if this is all because of a girl, then it is more of a problem with your feelings. This can be helped through much less drastic measures, just read a few books on managing your emotions, or take a few meds (depending on the problem).

I myself used to have out of wack emotions, I was a depressed teenager once. It was actually a religious man who got me out of my problems with the strangest advice ever: "Dissapoint people, and don't be afraid to do so." Of course, this was only a small part of it, he was actually kicked out of his church for spreading a different message than what they wanted to, but he has a very large following. His message was always one of anti-belief, and I suppose he can't even be called a Christian, he does not believe in Jesus the Christ, but rather Jesus the teacher. Sometimes all it takes as a little guidance.

This morning, my own relationship ended, it is over. I still live with the girl, and right at this point in time she is out on a date (yeah, as soon as it was over, she had like 10 guys knocking). It bothers me a bit, but only because someone else might be having sex with her tonight; if she is willing to take it that far, she is really mad at me right now. Bottom line is, she won't be getting me off tonight. To dwell on this situation would make me very unhappy, so instead I focus on something else, and that is, getting her out of here as soon as is possible, and meeting a new girl. Dating a new girl is always my favourite thing to do, and I am looking forward to it, even if it takes a little while.

[Imakeholesinu]

About the girl thing though, if this is all because of a girl, then it is more of a problem with your feelings. This can be helped through much less drastic measures, just read a few books on managing your emotions, or take a few meds (depending on the problem).

It's not because of the girl, it just feels like I've exhausted a lot of my options here already. Most of my friends are gone off in their own directions or are in that family building process, so with the only thing keeping me here being the free rent and Blues Hockey, I don't see how much more this city can offer me but the things I've already done and accomplished.

The only reason I'm exploring this possibility is maybe I just need a kick in the nads and be truely on my own for once.

[Julius Seeker]

Hmmm, some good things to take into consideration. I actually knew a guy who moved from St. Louis to Seattle about 7-8 years ago. He was about 24 years of age, and was in that same mode of thinking. Of course, he had some real problems, he loved the bottle, lets just say. At this point in time, he feels that moving to Seattle was the best thing he ever did in his life. So, it might be a good thing to make a move. Though just make sure, as Zeus said, that it is not just a temporary fix for a problem you have. You also may want to consider making some new friends, I mean, I keep in touch with my high school friends, but the people I roll with now are completely different from those I did in High School. I can't speak for cities like St. Louis, but I do know that marriage isn't exactly a major part of the culture in Seattle.

[Imakeholesinu]

Thought I posted a new topic...

[SineSwiper]

It's not because of the girl, it just feels like I've exhausted a lot of my options here already. Most of my friends are gone off in their own directions or are in that family building process, so with the only thing keeping me here being the free rent and Blues Hockey, I don't see how much more this city can offer me but the things I've already done and accomplished.

If it's one thing I've learned, is that friends in general are overrated. Yes, you need some friends, but only keep the friends that actually fit your mold of interests. It seems cold-hearted, but it's the truth.

Useless friends are just annoying. If you once had common interests and now you no longer have them, all your going to talk about is shit that you did in the past. At least with you guys, all I got to do is go post on the forum. (And that's not to say that you guys are useless friends without any common interests, either. I value you guys better than most.) With friends that I don't feel like hanging out with, I actually have to bother with allocating a weekend to do something that I don't want to do.

Now, that's not to say that you should ditch your friends altogether, but try hanging out with a new crowd, like some single guys in the same situation as you. However, having at least one good best friend is important, even if you don't completely have interests with him. All you need is one good friend and some occasional friends.

I dunno...maybe it's the way I work. My 3 "best" friends are either single with one or two common interests, or married with 3 kids. I'm married and don't have any kids yet, so it's hard to fit into either group. Really, my best friend is my wife now. I'm happy with just living with my wife, going to a job that I enjoy, and hanging with my work acquintenaces. My weekends are filled with house projects or gaming, anyway, so other friends can just be a pain in the ass.

In your situation, get some friends that can help you out with problems like this, not taunt you with stuff that they have and you don't. Friends need to be able to say "Hey, fuck these problems, let's go out and have a good time; maybe you'll get lucky and find somebody", instead of "Well, lemme call the babysitter to see if we can do anything tonight" or "I dunno, my wife doesn't really like hockey, soo....". Otherwise, they turn into friends that can't help you, and that isn't a friend anymore.

I now view friends like relationships: sometimes it's not you, it's them, even though it's not their fault.

(BTW, forgive my stream-of-consensious thought processes. It's the best way I get my ideas out, but I make such a bad editor...)