Dating Fail round 2

[Anarky]

So I didn't post this sooner... but

The girl who broke up with me hit me up a month ago and said she missed me. We started dating again and talking and it seemed okay at first. I noticed lately she was kind of cold when it came to cuddling, kissing, etc... and we had been nowhere near sex or sleeping over since we got back together. So I asked her about this... she thinks and realizes she hasn't been. She thinks about it more and realizes she just wants to be platonic friends...

So... we don't talk for 2 months, you call me out of the blue telling me you miss me... I tell you I still have feelings and wanna date... and NOW you decide you just want to be friends?! WTF!!!!!

I don't even know how someone does this. She tells me she feels absolutely horrible, and thinks I'm an attractive guy, smart, funny, a standup kind of guy.

I ask her what kind of friend am I going to be if I have feelings for you and want more?

You know it would have been different if she would have come out wanting to be friends in the first place, because I like talking and hangin out with her, but then she does this and ruins trust...

UGH... I am actually starting to think friendship will work fine because I am tired of trying to date her anyway.

FML

[Tessian]

I hate to sound like a dick about this... but throw her ass out of your life and move on. She's not going to stop playing these games so it's really your only option. You'll concede and be friends for now... then a few months later she'll play the same shit on you she just did and get your hopes up, then squash them again later because she doesn't know what she fucking wants.

So save yourself a lot of heartache and stress and just ditch her.

[Anarky]

I hate to sound like a dick about this... but throw her ass out of your life and move on. She's not going to stop playing these games so it's really your only option. You'll concede and be friends for now... then a few months later she'll play the same shit on you she just did and get your hopes up, then squash them again later because she doesn't know what she fucking wants.

So save yourself a lot of heartache and stress and just ditch her.

Oh I'm not disagreeing... even going back ot her showed her to a certain extent that she can do this type of shit to me.

[Zeus]

She sounds like she doesn't have a clue who she is or what she wants. Don't invest yourself emotionally and you can salvage a "friendship". If you can't do that, best to move on

[RentCavalier]

Sounds like a pain in the ass, dude. Honestly, it's not worth it. I mean, will YOU be able to just be her friend, without being distracted by your previous history? It'd be a very awkward friendship I think--too much drama, too much history, too much bullshit. Just ignore her until she goes away and move on.

[Anarky]

She sounds like she doesn't have a clue who she is or what she wants. Don't invest yourself emotionally and you can salvage a "friendship". If you can't do that, best to move on

Its what I get for dating someone who is still in College and figuring their shit out.

She is 22... and I am only 24... but that has proved to be a big difference. I've been out of college 2 years, it does make a big difference.

[Zeus]

She sounds like she doesn't have a clue who she is or what she wants. Don't invest yourself emotionally and you can salvage a "friendship". If you can't do that, best to move on

Its what I get for dating someone who is still in College and figuring their shit out.

She is 22... and I am only 24... but that has proved to be a big difference. I've been out of college 2 years, it does make a big difference.

What I've started to realize more recently is age isn't necessarily a factor when you're talking about people between 15 and 30. Usually after 30 people have figured their shit out, often through screwing up. But I've also seen high school people have a far better idea of who they are and what they want more than people who are 25, 26 and out of school for years. It's amazing how going into my 30s there were so many people I met when working in Toronto (I was almost 28 when I started my 3 years working there) how many people still had no direction and really no idea of what they wanted to be or who they are.

So with this girl, it sounds like one of two things: she's playin' you, telling you what you want to hear so she can use you to fill some need in her life (likely loneliness) or she just doesn't know what she wants yet and wants to keep her options open. Either way, that's not good for emotional attachment from your end. Detach yourself and just take what she gives you. If you can't do that, cut away that tumour before it turns cancerous.

[Anarky]

I should have been smarter about all of this from the get go. I have been through similar situations and should have thought this thru and seen this possibility.

[Kupek]

Everyone else covered pretty much what I would have said. It sounds like she has emotional issues that have little to do with her age.

Trying to be friends with her will mess you up. My advice is: don't try. That doesn't mean you have to completely ignore her, just never contact her.

[Flip]

I agree with Zeus that she is using you to stroke her ego or make herself feel better, likely from a recent rejection or the fact that she isnt finding anyone else. People are guilty of this all the time and go back to their security blanket ex/friend when things are tough. Its really unfair to the other person involved. Thanks to you she realizes she is desirable again and moves on.

[Imakeholesinu]

Clean break time.

Cut her off completely and close the book on it.

Best way to roll.

[Zeus]

I should have been smarter about all of this from the get go. I have been through similar situations and should have thought this thru and seen this possibility.

They're called "emotions" for a reason, they're not supposed to be logical :-)

[Julius Seeker]

All in all, it just sounds like a fairly cut and dry relationship that didn't work out thing. It's not something I would recommend dwelling on for any length of time. Just get out with friends and find someone new, this weekend, if you're looking for a good time.

If you're looking for a lasting relationship, I would recommend being rid of that feeling. You'll end up with the wrong person because you'll be looking for features that may be somewhat of an illusion. Rather, seek and have fun, go to the bars, pick up women and get to know a lot of them. It is both fun and not stressful. Drop the girls that try to inject illogical drama into the situations. You never know when you'll fall in love, but you'll never know if it is real or not unless you're free of that tradition of thought that you'll be happier in a long term "real" relationship.

This is just a suggestion, I can't say that I know enough about you to know exactly what will work for you.

[Oracle]

Get out while you still can. Having her around will just remind you of what you actually want out of the relationship with her. This 'just friends' bullshit is all about her, you have no part in this.

Tell her she can't just fuck with you like that, and say good-bye.

[Julius Seeker]

Well, I don't necessarilly think you should drop her completely. Just drop the feelings you have for her. If you can have a fun friendship with her, don't lose it over past feelings; a good friendship is more difficult to come by than a good lay in my experience.

Depends what she means by "friends" though. I am only assuming that she is being honest.

[Flip]

Well, I don't necessarilly think you should drop her completely. Just drop the feelings you have for her. If you can have a fun friendship with her, don't lose it over past feelings; a good friendship is more difficult to come by than a good lay in my experience.

Depends what she means by "friends" though. I am only assuming that she is being honest.

Eh, ive never had good experiences with the friends after dating thing. Either you start to get jealous a little when she dates, she gets jealous, or your new gf hates her guts because youve slept together and you cant hang out anyway. Either way, i dont see any upside to keeping her around. Friends are pretty easy to come by and the very few i consider GREAT friends will always be around and youve probably not slept with them.

I can look at it the other way, if im dating a girl and shes good friends with a guy she has banged, i would be weirded out. Just picturing them together, the looks the guy gives you... its all a lose/lose.

[Kupek]

Just drop the feelings you have for her.

Humans aren't robots. It's not like he can just flip a switch from "Feelings" to "No Feelings."

[Anarky]

Just drop the feelings you have for her.

Humans aren't robots. It's not like he can just flip a switch from "Feelings" to "No Feelings."

Some people could fool me

[Tessian]

Just drop the feelings you have for her.

Humans aren't robots. It's not like he can just flip a switch from "Feelings" to "No Feelings."

I dated a girl who could, as far as anyone could tell, do that. Kind of like how some people can just "shut off" their ability to be ticklish while being tickled. Wasn't a good thing...

[Julius Seeker]

If you're of the sort that can't drop feelings; then yeah, it would make logical sense to remove the object of that feeling from your life if she won't return those feelings.

I don't necessarilly believe that feelings can't be gotten over in even a little time. Feelings mostly stem from beliefs, the super-ego. Beliefs are learned and they can be unlearned as well; in other words, beliefs are like guests, you just have to figure out how to tell the ones you don't want around to leave. You are right, it is not a switch that can always be turned off and on in most of us; but with reflection, accepting reality, and what is most beneficial, a person can alter their mindset towards another; the idea of forgiveness stems from the same branch. For lack of a better description of how to get there: It just takes a bit of practice.

What is love? I find it is not infatuation/romantic feelings, but the lack of belief between two. When you don't feel the necessity to hide anything; a nakedness and oneness. The trunk of the tree that holds the branch which will allow a person to let another go, and to forgive. That's not to say that romance can't be had between two individuals in love, it's something that can be enjoyed between the two of them, a fun past time - and not what the relationship is all about.

Then again, I am only speaking about what I have come to know. I don't know if this is true for anyone else, leave alone everyone else. Then again, maybe it can be of help.

[Anarky]

If you're of the sort that can't drop feelings; then yeah, it would make logical sense to remove the object of that feeling from your life if she won't return those feelings.

I don't necessarilly believe that feelings can't be gotten over in even a little time. Feelings mostly stem from beliefs, the super-ego. Beliefs are learned and they can be unlearned as well; in other words, beliefs are like guests, you just have to figure out how to tell the ones you don't want around to leave. You are right, it is not a switch that can always be turned off and on in most of us; but with reflection, accepting reality, and what is most beneficial, a person can alter their mindset towards another; the idea of forgiveness stems from the same branch. For lack of a better description of how to get there: It just takes a bit of practice.

What is love? I find it is not infatuation/romantic feelings, but the lack of belief between two. When you don't feel the necessity to hide anything; a nakedness and oneness. The trunk of the tree that holds the branch which will allow a person to let another go, and to forgive. That's not to say that romance can't be had between two individuals in love, it's something that can be enjoyed between the two of them, a fun past time - and not what the relationship is all about.

Then again, I am only speaking about what I have come to know. I don't know if this is true for anyone else, leave alone everyone else. Then again, maybe it can be of help.

I can see your meaning. Part of me finds comfort in the idea of just being friends. I'm not saying it will be easy or instantaneous, but I'm definitely not opposed to the idea.

Right now, it is sinking in that its over, which the 2nd time around I just don't care or hurt as much. Maybe I knew as much the first time about us potentially being only friends.

[Zeus]

Just drop the feelings you have for her.

Humans aren't robots. It's not like he can just flip a switch from "Feelings" to "No Feelings."

Some people could fool me

They're good at hiding it

[Kupek]

I dated a girl who could, as far as anyone could tell, do that. Kind of like how some people can just "shut off" their ability to be ticklish while being tickled. Wasn't a good thing...

I bet it only appeared that way because you assumed she felt the same way about you that you did about her. She probably didn't. Hence the breakup.