I'm a little nervous...just a bit. I have about a 7 minute routine. Anyone have any experience?
I stole fizzy lifting drinks. :(
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Doing some amateur stand up tonight (first time)...
- Somehow, we still tolerate each other. Eventually this will be the only forum left.
Are you going to the Joke Off at Comedy Caravan tonight?
No, it's a smaller show at Roosters on Preston.
I stole fizzy lifting drinks. :(
Ah, okay. An acquaintance (Todd Merriman) is doing the Joke Off at Comedy Caravan tonight.
Sweet. Have fun and let us know how it goes.
I looooooove stand up. You should get someone to video it and if it goes well, then post it here.
I looooooove stand up. You should get someone to video it and if it goes well, then post it here.
I'm trying to get someone to record it at least on their phone. All the coworkers are going, but I will have to miss out. Sorry Jesse!
Being married to a programmer is like having a cat. You talk to it but you're never really sure if it hears you, much less comprehends what you say.
Make Sine watch the kiddo!
Heh, we don't usually do things like that separate, plus we're going to the gym tonight and I'm not sure how late we'll be there...I already skipped yesterday.
Being married to a programmer is like having a cat. You talk to it but you're never really sure if it hears you, much less comprehends what you say.
I can't say I have had te experience myself, but I have seen a lot of smalltime comics at small venues; regular guys and gals who work a regular day job. I have seen people bomb hard and turn purple with nervousness. No matter what it'll be alright. I have faith in you!
-Insert Inspiring Quote-
Man, that's quite hard to do. Umm, have some good comebacks ready for the hecklers? Like if someone says "you suck!", what would you respond with?
I was there on that fateful day, were you?
Yeah, good comebacks are key. I've had some of my best laughs listening to comedians heckling hecklers.
So how did it go?
Um.....
I CAME IN FIRST PLACE!!!
No really, I did and I won $100. It was a riot, it was really fun. I was the only comedian to make the other comedians laugh! Everyone was impressed that was my first time. About 3 or 4 of them invited me to the Comedy Caravan (the local comedy show were the big names go)!
I have a MP3 of my portion of the show here on tows (Thanks Seraphina!) I hadn't had a chance to listen to it. My work friends said I may need to add a transcription.
http://www.tows.cc/temp/comedy.mp3
I CAME IN FIRST PLACE!!!
No really, I did and I won $100. It was a riot, it was really fun. I was the only comedian to make the other comedians laugh! Everyone was impressed that was my first time. About 3 or 4 of them invited me to the Comedy Caravan (the local comedy show were the big names go)!
I have a MP3 of my portion of the show here on tows (Thanks Seraphina!) I hadn't had a chance to listen to it. My work friends said I may need to add a transcription.
http://www.tows.cc/temp/comedy.mp3
I stole fizzy lifting drinks. :(
It's hard to hear because of all the laughter! But with headphones (and a transcription jesse!) you can make out a good portion of it!
Being married to a programmer is like having a cat. You talk to it but you're never really sure if it hears you, much less comprehends what you say.
Congrats!
The MP3 is here: http://www.tows.cc/temp/comedy.mp3
<not on recording>Hey, how are you guys doing? Having a good time? Great. Not me. Nooo, no not me. I'm a little nervous. Let me tell you, when I get nervous, my bladder seems to clock into overtime. </end of not on recording>
I'm already blessed with one of the world’s most smallest bladders. I didn’t need any help on that. I drink a 20oz diet coke, and out come 2 1/2 gallons of pee; I don’t know what’s going on.
So, anyway I was in the bathroom the other day and there was a man standing at the urinal with his hand on wall and he’s all <humming, I think> I don’t know if you guys know this, but guys have kind of an unwritten rule, you just stand there, do your business, turn around wash your hands and maybe, just maybe, if the stars align, then you can say something.
Like oh, I don’t know.
Well anyway, there was this guy in there with his hand on the wall. And I didn’t understand what he was doing. I mean, what kind of flow rate does this guy have that he needs to literally brace himself to the wall or literally be thrown clear across the bathroom? Remind me to take this guy the next time I'm on a boat trip in case the motor breaks down we can use his super-piss to propel us back home.
There was this other guy I met in the bathroom and this guy made going to the bathroom a little weird. I walked in there and there was a guy at the urinal and he’s leaning on the divider between the urinal and look like he was kinda waiting for me. And when I walked in and he immediately looked down…uh, he didn’t know the rules. He just kept looking down. I couldn’t back down, I HAD to go. I couldn’t make it to the other bathrooms. So I walked up to the urinal. This guy wasn’t going to get a free show. So I vacuumed seal myself up to the urinal <makes suction noise and “locks in to the urinal”>. He couldn’t have seen anything. I wasn’t going to let him see my junk. I did encounter some splash back. (Someone in crowd, “UGH”). This guy isn’t going to see me wee, what do you mean, “UGH?!” All I had to do is wash my hands to my elbows, change my tee shirt and maybe my pants too, but he didn’t to see. Ugh, that’s gross.
So recently I was invited to my high school 10 year reunion. I didn’t have anything else to do, so I declined going. But I was invited on Facebook and I not sure if you’re aware but 24 hour a day 7 day a week reunion-a-thon. Why would I bother going? If you’re going to invite me on Facebook, and your there, just send me a little chat…on Facebook. Why do you feel the need to designate every 10 years like 2 hours to see people I don’t want to see? Ninety-nine percent of your friends in high-school…let’s rewind no 100% of the people at high school had to be there. We all had to be there 8 hours a day, five days-a-week...this sounds exactly like work does now. I don’t want to be with the people there. There over there. We won’t feel the need in10 years to designate a few hours to get back with each other and reminisce about how bad work sucked and what we’ve been up to. An even better example, we’re not going to feel the need to meet back here 10 years from now, at this spot, and talk about how bad I sucked. <unknown>
High school was pretty awful, most of us were only sentenced for 4 years of it, and some 5 and some 6 years.
Lastly, the last thing I want to talk to you about is my favorite past-time. The next time your at Walmart or Target and you’re leaving, as you’re heading out, just stop by the exit door and look around. There should be a little cork bulletin board on the wall nearby; it’s my favorite part of the whole store. The Safety recall board. No matter if I’m in the biggest hurry or not, I make sure I sit aside like 30 seconds to stop by and check the board. It’s not that I’m looking for a specific recall, I’m just blown away by the reason these things are recalled. I have some written down.
If you go today, right now at Walmart, on the board, Scope has been recalled. Like 1,000 or uh 100,000 crates have been recalled. I’m not sure if you’re aware of this but it was recalled due to "malfunctioning child restraint cap." Now, I not sure if you guys are aware of this but the FLAVOR of scope is pretty child resistant.
Another one, same board. Paintball gun was recalled due to risk of injury. <LONG PAUSE, Jesse freezes for effect, taps microphone> Risk of injury….paintball. Paintball has enough inherent risk of injury that no products for that sport should ever HAVE to be recalled.
Alright, so when you get home tonight, get on your computer, go to Google and type in "consumer product recall." It will take you right to the government site. It’s all there, all the recalls from like 1974 to today. So there’s hours of entertainment there.
On their website, one of the first things I came across, Hammocks. Hammocks were recently recalled due to falling hazard. If you ever seen a hammock hanging there, you’re probably aware of the risks involved.
There were so many freaking grills on the website that had been recalled due to burn hazard, I thought I’d stumbled onto Failblog.org. <inaudible> I was thinking, you know, what else? This is stupid What else, like candles? Yeah, candles were on there. Twenty companies last year had to recall all their candles due to "fire hazard.”
Fireworks were also recalled due to burn hazard. I’m not sure if you guys are aware of this, but you actually have to set fireworks ON FIRE for them to work properly, and after you light that wick, you touch it you may be burned.
On the website, something else I keep seeing coming up, utility knifes were recalled due to laceration hazard. Can you imagine going to the ER explaining THAT? CAN you imagine that?
So I’ve come up, I’ve come up with game while walking through Walmart while shopping around: “Fictional Product Recalls” is what I call it. I’ve came up with a few you. So here’s one: Hangman's noose recalled due to strangulation hazard. Spork recalled due to manufactures defect; can't fork or spoon well. Matches recalled due to fire hazard <silence> I’ll work on that one. And Lastly, Axe body deodorant recalled due to making you smell like a sexed up 9th grader. Alright, that’s my time. Thank you.
<not on recording>Hey, how are you guys doing? Having a good time? Great. Not me. Nooo, no not me. I'm a little nervous. Let me tell you, when I get nervous, my bladder seems to clock into overtime. </end of not on recording>
I'm already blessed with one of the world’s most smallest bladders. I didn’t need any help on that. I drink a 20oz diet coke, and out come 2 1/2 gallons of pee; I don’t know what’s going on.
So, anyway I was in the bathroom the other day and there was a man standing at the urinal with his hand on wall and he’s all <humming, I think> I don’t know if you guys know this, but guys have kind of an unwritten rule, you just stand there, do your business, turn around wash your hands and maybe, just maybe, if the stars align, then you can say something.
Like oh, I don’t know.
Well anyway, there was this guy in there with his hand on the wall. And I didn’t understand what he was doing. I mean, what kind of flow rate does this guy have that he needs to literally brace himself to the wall or literally be thrown clear across the bathroom? Remind me to take this guy the next time I'm on a boat trip in case the motor breaks down we can use his super-piss to propel us back home.
There was this other guy I met in the bathroom and this guy made going to the bathroom a little weird. I walked in there and there was a guy at the urinal and he’s leaning on the divider between the urinal and look like he was kinda waiting for me. And when I walked in and he immediately looked down…uh, he didn’t know the rules. He just kept looking down. I couldn’t back down, I HAD to go. I couldn’t make it to the other bathrooms. So I walked up to the urinal. This guy wasn’t going to get a free show. So I vacuumed seal myself up to the urinal <makes suction noise and “locks in to the urinal”>. He couldn’t have seen anything. I wasn’t going to let him see my junk. I did encounter some splash back. (Someone in crowd, “UGH”). This guy isn’t going to see me wee, what do you mean, “UGH?!” All I had to do is wash my hands to my elbows, change my tee shirt and maybe my pants too, but he didn’t to see. Ugh, that’s gross.
So recently I was invited to my high school 10 year reunion. I didn’t have anything else to do, so I declined going. But I was invited on Facebook and I not sure if you’re aware but 24 hour a day 7 day a week reunion-a-thon. Why would I bother going? If you’re going to invite me on Facebook, and your there, just send me a little chat…on Facebook. Why do you feel the need to designate every 10 years like 2 hours to see people I don’t want to see? Ninety-nine percent of your friends in high-school…let’s rewind no 100% of the people at high school had to be there. We all had to be there 8 hours a day, five days-a-week...this sounds exactly like work does now. I don’t want to be with the people there. There over there. We won’t feel the need in10 years to designate a few hours to get back with each other and reminisce about how bad work sucked and what we’ve been up to. An even better example, we’re not going to feel the need to meet back here 10 years from now, at this spot, and talk about how bad I sucked. <unknown>
High school was pretty awful, most of us were only sentenced for 4 years of it, and some 5 and some 6 years.
Lastly, the last thing I want to talk to you about is my favorite past-time. The next time your at Walmart or Target and you’re leaving, as you’re heading out, just stop by the exit door and look around. There should be a little cork bulletin board on the wall nearby; it’s my favorite part of the whole store. The Safety recall board. No matter if I’m in the biggest hurry or not, I make sure I sit aside like 30 seconds to stop by and check the board. It’s not that I’m looking for a specific recall, I’m just blown away by the reason these things are recalled. I have some written down.
If you go today, right now at Walmart, on the board, Scope has been recalled. Like 1,000 or uh 100,000 crates have been recalled. I’m not sure if you’re aware of this but it was recalled due to "malfunctioning child restraint cap." Now, I not sure if you guys are aware of this but the FLAVOR of scope is pretty child resistant.
Another one, same board. Paintball gun was recalled due to risk of injury. <LONG PAUSE, Jesse freezes for effect, taps microphone> Risk of injury….paintball. Paintball has enough inherent risk of injury that no products for that sport should ever HAVE to be recalled.
Alright, so when you get home tonight, get on your computer, go to Google and type in "consumer product recall." It will take you right to the government site. It’s all there, all the recalls from like 1974 to today. So there’s hours of entertainment there.
On their website, one of the first things I came across, Hammocks. Hammocks were recently recalled due to falling hazard. If you ever seen a hammock hanging there, you’re probably aware of the risks involved.
There were so many freaking grills on the website that had been recalled due to burn hazard, I thought I’d stumbled onto Failblog.org. <inaudible> I was thinking, you know, what else? This is stupid What else, like candles? Yeah, candles were on there. Twenty companies last year had to recall all their candles due to "fire hazard.”
Fireworks were also recalled due to burn hazard. I’m not sure if you guys are aware of this, but you actually have to set fireworks ON FIRE for them to work properly, and after you light that wick, you touch it you may be burned.
On the website, something else I keep seeing coming up, utility knifes were recalled due to laceration hazard. Can you imagine going to the ER explaining THAT? CAN you imagine that?
So I’ve come up, I’ve come up with game while walking through Walmart while shopping around: “Fictional Product Recalls” is what I call it. I’ve came up with a few you. So here’s one: Hangman's noose recalled due to strangulation hazard. Spork recalled due to manufactures defect; can't fork or spoon well. Matches recalled due to fire hazard <silence> I’ll work on that one. And Lastly, Axe body deodorant recalled due to making you smell like a sexed up 9th grader. Alright, that’s my time. Thank you.
I stole fizzy lifting drinks. :(
Funny stuff. I enjoyed it once I could tell what you were saying.
Good stuff. The male bathroom jokes have been done, but the recall stuff was fairly original. Keep up that angle.
Rosalina: But you didn't.
Robert: But I DON'T.
Rosalina: You sure that's right?
Robert: I was going to HAVE told you they'd come?
Rosalina: No.
Robert: The subjunctive?
Rosalina: That's not the subjunctive.
Robert: I don't think the syntax has been invented yet.
Rosalina: It would have had to have had been.
Robert: Had to have...had...been? That can't be right.
Robert: But I DON'T.
Rosalina: You sure that's right?
Robert: I was going to HAVE told you they'd come?
Rosalina: No.
Robert: The subjunctive?
Rosalina: That's not the subjunctive.
Robert: I don't think the syntax has been invented yet.
Rosalina: It would have had to have had been.
Robert: Had to have...had...been? That can't be right.
Thanks all for the compliments and critiques!
I stole fizzy lifting drinks. :(