Problems with my conscience

[the Gray]

Or an ethical/moral dilema if you prefer.

I've been dating a girl for about 5 months. Most of our correspondance is via email do to the distance. (seperate issue entirely)

Now I have reason to believe she has been communicating with an Ex for the last few months. In fact, ever since we became 'intimate'.

I've tried to be subtle and get some clarity, which I'm very good at. She's just as good at veiling her words though. I've thought about being direct, but it's hard when you can't see the person face to face. I also don't want to create an issue where there wasn't one. It's hard to explain the entire situation without writing for a long time. So, on to my dillema.

I know she is still emailing this guy, as well as myself. I also have all the means to get into her email. Do I do it?

I've been wrestling with this all weekend, and it got worse today when we came across each other by chance on IM this morning. (only a 1% you'll find me on AIM before 6pm weekdays)
I need to know if she's been disengenouis this entire time, that I'm not just being paranoid. Or, that I AM just being paranoid and I can laugh at my stupidity and move on. However, if she is... That's pretty much it for me.

I should probably mention I was burned by 3 straight women in a row, that had boyfriends while I was dating them. The Bullpen syndrome. And I'm not an idiot, there was NO evidence of it in retrospect. Still, I'm now analyzing shit a lot differently when I'm dating someone.

I'm rambling. Anyway, thoughts?

(yes I'm an evil shit to even contemplate it, I'm okay with that)

Do

[Kupek]

I know she is still emailing this guy, as well as myself. I also have all the means to get into her email. Do I do it?

Absolutely not. If you don't trust her, then what's the point of being in a relationship? This is particularly true with a long distance relationship. Since it's obviously bothering you, then quit with the subtlety and just talk to her about it.

I've thought about being direct, but it's hard when you can't see the person face to face. I also don't want to create an issue where there wasn't one.

There obviously <i>is</i> an issue since it's bothering you so much. So either let her in on this fact now, or it will surface later in a bad way. I realize none of this is easy, but building and maintaining a good relationship isn't easy.

[Lox]

I agree with Kupek.

I've been there. Sneaking into her email is just a symptom of a bigger problem which is a lack of trust.

You need to be direct about it for a couple reasons:

1) It will force you both to discuss the problem instead of skating around it
2) It will most likely bring other issues to the surface if they exist. And if they exist, you want them dealt with now.

It'll end with either everything working out and you feeling better and things being better. Or you'll know that she's not for you and you'll still be better even if you'll feel like crap.

That's my opinion on the issue.

[the Gray]

I think you're both right. I realized what an ass I was as soon as I hit 'submit'. I already knew the answer. I just forgot that I'm not supposed to think in February. It does a strange thing to a persons mind up here in Canuckistan.

This whole thing has been an experiment in whether i could make a long distance relationship work. I have my answer I think.

[SineSwiper]

This whole thing has been an experiment in whether i could make a long distance relationship work. I have my answer I think.

Long distance relationships are only supposed to be temporary situations. If you try to keep up with a long distance relationship long-term, the whole thing falls apart.

[Zeus]

I think you're both right. I realized what an ass I was as soon as I hit 'submit'. I already knew the answer. I just forgot that I'm not supposed to think in February. It does a strange thing to a persons mind up here in Canuckistan.

This whole thing has been an experiment in whether i could make a long distance relationship work. I have my answer I think.

Don't forget, at the end of the day, if she goes back to him, it just wasn't meant to be. And it's probably better in the end for ya if you just let her figure it out on her own...

What's your AIM info?

[SineSwiper]

What's your AIM info?

That would be the button at the bottom of his message. God, we had this discussion before.

[Zeus]

That would be the button at the bottom of his message. God, we had this discussion before.

Firefox don't seem to like it....

[Lox]

That would be the button at the bottom of his message. God, we had this discussion before.

Firefox don't seem to like it....

My Firefox seems to handle it fine.

[Tortolia]

Or you can simply mouseover the AIM button and see what follows the "screenname=" bit.