Cancer at my door.

[Mully]

Some of you may not know this, but my brother died this past January of Renal Cell Carcinoma (Kidney Cancer). It is rare for a 28 year old (my brothers age at the time) to get RCC, one usually gets it 45 years old or older. Anyway, 3 years ago he found a lump near his oblique muscles on his right side, he had surgery the first year, got his first check up 6 months after that, thought he was in remission, 3 months later there were signs it came back, had surgery the next year, they found it came back about 6 - 9 months after the second surgery, tried some experimental treatments (IL-2) about this time last year, then in July after nothing was working, registered for Hospice to manage his pain. Six months later he died on January 2nd, 2010 at 30 years old with a one year old son and girlfriend. He didn't fear death and was a Christian. I do miss him.

Since last May (I think), my own doctor has been doing blood work and ultrasounds regularly on me for pre-cautionary for many reasons; one, RCC is twice as common in men; two, RCC is a high risk for siblings of those affected and thirdly, a shared environmental exposure. My brother (5+ years) and I (3 years) both worked for Cintas (at the time it was VDC) a uniform delivery service, so we were exposed to the dirt and grim of hundreds of different jobs and work sites. We'd come home covered in ink, oil, dirt, coal ash from a coal power plant, paint, fine metal dust, anything and everything.

My blood tests come back "clear" (Yeah, my cholesterol is a little high and I'm vitamin D deficient). I haven't had the ultrasound in about a year, but that's ok I guess since the blood and urine tests come out clear and I don't have any physical signs.

Before you read the next paragraph: I've been hyper aware of my body since my brother died. I'm sure it's because his death, but I have like gas or something and get worried for a day, then it goes away, then something else will spark my mind and I'll be worried about that and not this etc etc etc. I've broke down and cried several times thinking about this stuff. Ugh. I'm not afraid of dying. I am a Christian. I am afraid of leaving my wife though.

Last week or so, I found my right side stomach just a tad swollen, you can almost see it; it's in the same place my brother first noticed his cancer. It feels numb to me. I haven't felt well it a bit either. I called my doctor for a checkup and to do an MRI (because some where I read that RCC can not be discovered in the blood (I'm highly paraphrasing) so if that's true, all the blood work would have been for nothing!!!), but they can't do an MRI without an ultrasound. I was late for work this morning because I was trying to get into the doctor, but she had been out on vacation, so her schedule is full for until next FRIDAY! Supposedly I will get the ultrasound appointment before then.

So, TOWS'ers, cross your fingers, say a silent prayer, do a backflip, whatever you do, send some good will my way. Hopefully I'm being over cautious and this is gas or a pulled muscle or something.

[Shellie]

Cancer is scary as hell to me. There isn't much you can do to avoid it, and once you get it there is no cure, only a race to remove the cancer before it spreads too far. I don't know anyone in my family who has ever had it, but it's something I think about often.

I'm no good at sentiments, but you already know my thoughts are with you and your family. I hope everything is ok.

[Zeus]

Think positive: it's nothing. Make it come true

[Don]

Hope it turns out to be nothing.

[ManaMan]

Hope everything is alright.

[Mully]

One the way to work today, I had the thought that I may have PTSD...I'll do some research.

[Shrinweck]

Well over-worrying can certainly turn into phantom and real symptoms. Hope everything turns out fine.

[Kupek]

I hope everything's okay.

Rather than PTSD, you're probably experiencing grief over the death of your brother. PTSD is a disorder that encompasses what sometimes happens to us when we live through a traumatic event outside of normal human experience (such as war, or witnessing or being the victim of extreme violence). The death of a loved one is, unfortunately, not outside of normal human experience. The early stages of grief - which I imagine you are still in since the death of a brother is an enormous thing and it's been less than six months - probably are similar in symptoms to PTSD. But people who suffer PTSD can be in the same place mentally 20 years later. Hence calling it a "disorder" since it's not how we're "supposed" to react.

But, if you feel you need to seek professional help, do so. While grief is "normal" in the sense that we expect it to happen when a loved one dies, it's still very real and you may benefit from therapy.

[Mully]

But, if you feel you need to seek professional help, do so. While grief is "normal" in the sense that we expect it to happen when a loved one dies, it's still very real and you may benefit from therapy.

I haven't used it yet, but Hospice does offered a free year of counseling. My parents and my brother's girlfriend do it (separately). I haven't ruled out going, but I don't feel like I need to (I AM open to going).

I only mentioned PTSD because I unwillingly react to bodily symptoms as worst-case-scenarios, which I don't want to do, know what I mean? Then I start thinking of all the bad stuff that goes along with that; I don't think that is part of grief...it may be.

[Shellie]

If it's free, I would take advantage of it. It may make you feel better.

When I lost the baby last year it would have been nice if something like that had been offered to me. I had a lot of silent suffering and having someone to talk to would have helped.

[ManaMan]

When my dad's father died of a heart attack when my dad was 25, my dad thought that he was having chest pains for months.

When my son died almost four years ago I had many pseudo-physical symptoms as well: chest pains and feeling like my throat was going to collapse. I saw doctors, they ran tests and told me that nothing was wrong. I was prescribed anti-depressants that didn't do much.

Not to discredit your fears but see a doctor if you're truly concerned. They had the necessary tests to see if you have cancer. It's fairly quick and easy to describe your concerns and get a blood test (you'll probably have to come back for the blood test).

Eventually what helped me feel better was allowing myself to really *feel* sad. I never really had let myself do that. Also, spending time with friends and allowing myself to really unwind helped a lot.

I hope this helps.

[SineSwiper]

When I lost the baby last year it would have been nice if something like that had been offered to me. I had a lot of silent suffering and having someone to talk to would have helped.

Well, you know you had ME to talk to...

[ManaMan]

Hey Mully, any updates? How are things going? Hope they are going well....

[Mully]

I had my regular tests (urine, blood) and they threw in a ultrasound. All results came up negative (which nothing is wrong). All is well.

The lump I found, the doctor said it could be my ribs poking out a bit further on that side; odd enough I weight 220 lbs (not a lot of bones showing).

I guess I let it get to me. Like I said, I'm really laid back so this is very abnormal for something to "get to me."

One side effect: I guess I started my bucket list...lol...going to Japan next year!!!

[Zeus]

Good to year, Mully.

I'll be going to Japan in September 2011. Maybe I'll see ya there....